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Why did the soldier bring a pillow to basic training? To have 'combat' naps!
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Why did the soldier become a gardener after basic training? He wanted to 'root' for success!
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Why did the recruit bring a map to basic training? He wanted to 'navigate' through challenges!
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Why did the soldier bring a ladder to basic training? He wanted to go to the next level!
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Why did the recruit bring a pencil to basic training? In case he needed to draw his weapon!
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Why did the soldier bring a watch to basic training? To 'march' to the beat of his own 'second'!
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Why did the soldier bring a backpack to basic training? He wanted to be on the 'front pack!
PTSD: Parking, Tents, and Sleeping Drills
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They say PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but in the military, it's more like Parking, Tents, and Sleeping Drills. Trying to park a tank is more stressful than any war movie can convey. I parked better during my driving test blindfolded.
Army Basic Training
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You ever notice how they call it basic training? Like, what's so basic about waking up at the crack of dawn to run five miles while a drill sergeant yells at you? I thought basic meant learning to tie your shoes, not surviving a boot camp apocalypse.
The Generals and the Wi-Fi
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The higher-ups always say they have a plan for everything. Yet, somehow, they can't figure out how to get decent Wi-Fi on base. You're telling me we can coordinate covert operations, but I can't stream a cat video without it buffering? Priorities, people!
Camouflage Fashion Faux Pas
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Camouflage is supposed to make you blend in, right? But have you seen those camouflage uniforms? It's like the army wants you to blend into a highlighter factory. I didn't sign up to be a walking neon sign for the enemy!
Drill Sergeants and Whispering
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Drill sergeants have a unique talent—they can turn a simple whisper into a life-altering event. They'll whisper something like, Your shoelace is untied, and suddenly you're in the fetal position, questioning your entire existence. It's like living with a military ASMR artist.
Synchronized Marching
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They teach you this perfectly synchronized marching, like you're part of a military ballet. But let me tell you, there's nothing graceful about a group of recruits trying to do a left-face simultaneously. It's like watching a bunch of toddlers attempting their first flash mob.
Mess Hall Mysteries
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The mess hall is a strange place. They serve mystery meat that even Scooby-Doo would turn his nose up at. I asked the cook what's in it, and he said, Don't ask, just eat. I'm pretty sure that's the slogan for survival in the wild, not fine dining.
Obstacle Course Olympics
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You know you're in trouble when the army's idea of a fun day is an obstacle course. It's like they saw American Ninja Warrior and thought, Let's make that, but with more mud and less dignity. I haven't climbed over this many walls since I tried to sneak into a concert in high school.
Bed-Making Boot Camp
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They teach you how to make your bed with military precision. I'm talking hospital corners so tight, you could bounce a quarter off it. But let me tell you, ain't nobody got time for that when you're late for morning formation. My bed looked more like a failed origami experiment.
Boot Camp Graduation: A Cross Between a Rock Concert and a Family Reunion
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Graduating from boot camp is like attending a cross between a rock concert and a family reunion. The cheers from your comrades are so loud; I'm surprised the enemy doesn't surrender just to get some peace and quiet. And your family acts like you've returned from a war that lasted a lifetime, not eight weeks. I half expected confetti and a marching band at my graduation.
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