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Announcements at the airport are like a mini-language lesson. "The flight to New York has been delayed." Translation: "You now have three more hours to master the art of airport sushi.
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The worst announcements are the ones in supermarkets. "Clean up on Aisle 7." Now, I don't know what happened on Aisle 7, but I'm picturing a tomato sauce explosion and an epic mop battle.
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You ever notice how every announcement starts with, "Ladies and gentlemen"? Like, are there ever any announcements specifically for gentlemen? "Gentlemen, we're out of scotch in the lounge. Please remain calm.
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Have you ever noticed that the more urgent an announcement is, the more monotone the speaker? "This is an emergency. Please proceed to the exits calmly." Yeah, right, as if a boring tone is gonna help me stay calm when the building's on fire!
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They always tell you to listen to important announcements, but half the time, the speaker sounds like they're underwater. "This is your captain speaking; we'll be experiencing turbulence. muffled Enjoy the flight.
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Why is it that the more important the announcement, the more likely it is to be interrupted by a terrible PA system? "Attention, everyone, we have a very serious - zzzzt - situation on our - crackle - hands.
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Why do they use the term "breaking news" for every little thing? I mean, "Breaking news: Jeff from accounting ate the last donut." Come on, Susan, that's not breaking news; that's just another day at the office.
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And lastly, why is it that no matter how important the announcement, there's always that one guy who says, "Well, I didn't hear anything. What's happening?" Dude, did you forget to update your ears again?
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You know it's a big announcement when they say, "Please hold your questions until the end." Like, sorry, but if you drop a bombshell on me, I'm not waiting patiently with my hand raised. I need answers now!
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