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Have you guys been following Amber Heard's courtroom drama? It's like watching a real-life soap opera, but with fewer likable characters. I mean, I haven't seen this much legal drama since my cousin tried to become a lawyer on Facebook. And the evidence, oh boy! It's like a game of he said, she said, and Johnny Depp's bank account is losing. I heard they even brought in a parrot as a witness. I'm not kidding, a parrot! I guess they thought it could squawk the truth.
But seriously, how did we get to a point where the courtroom feels more dramatic than reality TV? I can't wait for the next episode of "As the Legal Brief Turns." Who needs Netflix when you've got celebrity courtroom sagas?
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So, after all the legal battles, Amber Heard decides to go on an apology tour. I mean, isn't that like throwing water on a burning ship after it's already sunk? "Sorry about that iceberg, guys, my bad!" But the best part is, she's apologizing for things she never actually said sorry for before. It's like she's going through a checklist – "Apologize to Johnny Depp – check. Apologize to the crew members – check. Apologize to all the people who had to sit through 'Aquaman' – still pending."
I'm thinking about going on my own apology tour. "I'm sorry for all the times I said I was on my way but was still in my pajamas. I'm sorry for eating the last piece of cake in the fridge. And I'm especially sorry for not being sorry sooner.
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You know, I was thinking about relationships the other day. You know it's bad when your love life is starting to sound like a haunted house. I mean, I've heard of ghosting, but now we've got "Amber Heard." You remember her, right? She's like the Ghostbuster of relationships – instead of busting ghosts, she's busting Johnny Depp's reputation. I can just imagine her showing up to your love life with that proton pack, ready to blast away any chance of a healthy relationship. "Oh, you wanted trust and communication? Zap! Say goodbye to that! It's all gone!"
And then, instead of crossing streams, she just crosses out your name from her contact list. It's like dating a poltergeist – one day they're there, the next day, they're throwing your stuff out the window. Maybe we should start using "Amber Heard" as a verb. "Yeah, we were getting along great, but then he totally Amber Heard me.
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Did you hear about Amber Heard wanting to go to law school? Yeah, apparently, she's inspired by her legal battles. I can see it now – "Legally Blonde" meets "Pirates of the Caribbean." I just hope she doesn't use Johnny Depp's life as a case study. "Today's lesson, class: How to turn a successful actor into a cautionary tale." I can imagine her teaching a course on relationship law – "Lesson one: How to make your ex's life a shipwreck."
But hey, maybe she'll surprise us all and become the next great legal mind. She'll be the lawyer who can argue any case, even if it's against a ghost. "Your Honor, my client may be deceased, but he's innocent!
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