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I was at the store the other day, and I realized action figures have their own hierarchy. You've got the A-listers – your Spider-Man, Batman, Superman. They get their own exclusive shelves, top billing. Then you've got the B-listers – I don't want to name names, but they're the ones you find in the bargain bin. They're like, "Hey, we may not be A-list superheroes, but we're still cool, right?" And then there are the action figures that nobody wants. They're the ones that end up in those mystery bags. You buy one, tear it open, and it's like the superhero version of a lottery ticket. You're hoping for Batman, but you end up with "Captain Cardboard" or something. It's like, "Wow, thanks for nothing, random bag of disappointment.
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I've noticed action figures are the silent critics of your life. You bring someone over, and your action figures are just there on the shelf, judging you. You can hear them whispering, "This is the best they could do? I thought we were heroes, not living in a studio apartment with mismatched furniture." And then there's that one friend who always wants to play with them. They're like, "Can I touch your action figures?" And you're thinking, "Dude, those are collector's items! You don't just 'touch' them. It's like asking if you can touch my grandma's antique vase. No, you can't! Hands off the superheroes, man.
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You ever notice how action figures are the most optimistic things in the world? I mean, they come out of the box all ripped and ready to take on the world. Then you play with them for a bit, and suddenly, they look like they've been through a war – missing limbs, heads on backward. I've never seen an action figure that looks happy to be an action figure. They're like, "Really? Another battle with a five-year-old? Come on!" And have you tried posing these action figures? They're more inflexible than my last relationship. I'm there, trying to make Spider-Man do the splits or something, and it's like he's saying, "Dude, I'm a superhero, not a gymnast. Cut me some slack!
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You know, action figures give us unrealistic expectations. I mean, we grow up playing with these perfectly chiseled characters with abs of steel, and then we look in the mirror like, "What happened here?" I tried to get in shape once, just like my action figures. I did sit-ups for a week, and you know what I got? A sore back and a craving for pizza. And don't even get me started on the action figure accessories. They have all these cool gadgets – grappling hooks, utility belts. I tried to carry a utility belt once. People just stared at me like, "Sir, this is a grocery store, not a Gotham City crime scene. Put the belt down.
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