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I realized adulthood is just saying, "I can't wait for the weekend" on Mondays, and then on the weekend, saying, "Where did the weekend go?" It's like time has a hidden fast-forward button that only gets activated when you're not having fun.
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You ever notice how cereal boxes have serving suggestions on them? Like, who needs advice on how to eat cereal? "Pour into bowl, add milk, and use a spoon." Thanks, Captain Obvious. Next, they'll tell me how to breathe.
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I love how we call it "rush hour" when nothing is moving. It's more like "sit in your car and contemplate life for an hour" hour. I bet therapists secretly own the highway billboards during that time.
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I recently realized that my bed is a charging station for my body. I mean, at the end of the day, I just plug myself in, close my eyes, and hope for a 100% charge by morning. If only I had a battery indicator to know how well I'm doing.
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Why do we call it a "building" when it's already built? Shouldn't it be called a "built"? I've never seen construction workers high-fiving each other and saying, "Great job, guys, let's move on to the next building.
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Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? I mean, what's next, we'll start mailing letters through the mail driveway? English, you crazy.
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Have you ever been on an elevator and the doors open, revealing people waiting to get in? And you have that awkward dance of trying to exit while they're trying to enter, and you end up doing the elevator tango? It's like a dance-off, but with more button pressing.
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Why do we say we "sleep like a baby"? Babies wake up every two hours crying and need constant attention. If I sleep like a baby, does that mean I'm gonna wake up at 2 AM demanding a snack and a diaper change?
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You ever notice how escalators are like the lazy rivers of the mall? I mean, I just stand there, and suddenly I'm on the second floor. It's the only time where my ambition matches the speed of the journey.
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