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You guys ever know someone who just takes everything way too seriously? I've got this friend, Rory. Man, Rory treats life like it's a competition he has to win. I mean, he even competes with his toaster in the morning. He's like, "Look at me, I can make toast faster than you, and it's perfectly golden brown, take that, appliance!" But Rory's overachieving nature doesn't stop there. I invited him over to play video games, you know, just to chill. He shows up with spreadsheets and strategy guides. I'm like, "Dude, it's not a World Championship, it's Mario Kart. Just pick Yoshi and let's go!"
And don't get me started on board games. Rory turns Monopoly into a hostile takeover. He's got a business plan, a PowerPoint presentation, and he's negotiating with the little silver dog piece. I'm just sitting there thinking, "I just wanted a casual game night, not a corporate merger."
Rory, man, he takes the fun out of everything. I bet he even counts his steps during a conga line at weddings. "One, two, three, shuffle strategically, pivot left, maintain optimal distance from the bride's aunt..." Relax, Rory, it's a celebration, not a military drill!
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So, Rory decided to join a gym. You'd think that's a good thing, right? Nope, not when Rory's involved. He's turned working out into a philosophical quest. He comes up to me and says, "Exercise is the key to enlightenment, my friend. Join me on this spiritual journey to the land of gains." I'm like, "Rory, we're just lifting weights, not seeking the meaning of life." But he's got workout mantras like, "Feel the burn, embrace the pain, become one with the dumbbell." I'm just trying not to drop the dumbbell on my foot!
And then there's his protein shakes. He blends things I can't even pronounce. I asked him what's in it, and he goes, "It's a proprietary blend of organic kale, chia seeds, and the tears of fitness models." I'm pretty sure my protein shake just has chocolate and regret.
But the best part is Rory's workout playlist. It's like a mix of motivational speeches and whale songs. I'm bench pressing, and suddenly I hear, "You are the champion of your destiny" followed by the soothing sounds of ocean waves. I'm just waiting for a dolphin to pop up and spot me.
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Rory at parties is a sight to behold. He's like a one-man show of social awkwardness. He walks up to a group, and instead of saying hello, he starts reciting trivia about obscure insects. People are trying to make small talk, and Rory's like, "Did you know the orchid mantis mimics the appearance of a flower to attract prey?" Thanks, Rory, that's great party conversation. And then there's his dance moves. Rory thinks he's got the smoothest dance routine since Michael Jackson. Spoiler alert: he doesn't. It's like watching a giraffe try to breakdance. I told him to just go with the flow, but Rory's flow is more like a malfunctioning robot.
But the pièce de résistance is when Rory decides to tell jokes. He thinks he's a stand-up comedian. He walks up to the mic, clears his throat, and starts with, "Why did the mathematician break up with his calculator? Because it couldn't count on him." The silence that follows is deafening. Sorry, Rory, even Dad jokes need timing.
So, next time you're at a party and Rory walks in, grab some popcorn and enjoy the spectacle. It's a comedy show you didn't know you needed.
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Rory fancies himself a dating guru. He's always giving me advice like, "Confidence is key, my friend. Walk up to her like you own the place." So, I tried it. I walked up to a girl, puffed out my chest, and promptly walked into a potted plant. Smooth, Rory, real smooth. But Rory's dating tips are next-level. He told me, "Use power poses to assert dominance." So, I'm sitting there at dinner, trying to subtly assert dominance over a plate of spaghetti. I must've looked like a confused mime having a spaghetti-induced existential crisis.
And then there's the wardrobe advice. According to Rory, every date requires a three-piece suit. I showed up to a casual coffee date in a suit, and the barista thought I was there for a job interview. I had to clarify, "No, just looking for love, not employment."
Rory's final piece of wisdom: "Always be mysterious, leave them wanting more." So, I started speaking in riddles and disappearing mid-conversation. Turns out, leaving someone wanting more doesn't work if they're just trying to figure out what you're saying.
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