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Wade's so meticulous about his outdoor space that he once asked me not to step on the grass. I felt like I was in a spy movie trying to avoid laser beams. I told him, "Wade, it's not the 'Mission: Impossible' lawn edition!" But he takes his grass seriously.
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Wade's the guy who puts up those elaborate Halloween decorations. You know, the ones that make the neighbors question if he's preparing for a haunted house or a horror movie set. I asked him why, and he said, "It scares away pests." Well, I guess it works because I haven't seen a raccoon within a mile of his place.
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I tried inviting Wade to a neighborhood barbecue once. He brought a salad. Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate a good salad, but at a barbecue? It's like bringing a flashlight to a fireworks show. Wade's version of a barbecue is grilling vegetables, not burgers. He's the only guy I know who BBQs tofu.
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Wade's so dedicated to his garden that he even dresses like a gardener when he's out there. I'm talking about the hat, the gloves, the whole ensemble. I thought he was auditioning for a remake of "The Secret Life of Plants." I mean, is there an award for the best-dressed gardener? If so, Wade's a shoo-in.
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Wade's the kind of neighbor who sets up a birdhouse and spends hours watching the birds. I asked him if he had a favorite bird, and he said, "The finch." I thought he was talking about his car. Turns out, he's a bird enthusiast, not a car enthusiast. Who knew?
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So, I asked Wade how he manages to keep his plants so healthy. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "I talk to them." Now, call me crazy, but I didn't realize plants were into small talk. I tried it, but my rose bush just gave me a thorny look.
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You ever notice how Wade's lawn is always perfectly manicured? I mean, you could land a plane on that grass, it's so smooth. I asked him his secret, and he said, "Precision mowing." Precision mowing? I didn't even know my lawnmower had a GPS. I just hope it doesn't start giving me directions to the nearest gas station.
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Have you ever borrowed something from Wade's tool shed? It's like entering a museum of perfectly arranged tools. I borrowed a rake once, and when I returned it, he looked at it like I'd just brought back the Hope Diamond. I swear, if there's ever a contest for the most organized tool shed, Wade's winning it.
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Wade's the type of guy who believes in the power of positive energy. He told me that he meditates in his garden every morning. Now, I'm all for finding inner peace, but I tried it once, and I ended up with a mosquito bite on my forehead. Apparently, mosquitoes don't care about your chakras.
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You know you're living next to Wade when you hear classical music playing in the background as he tends to his garden. It's like he's conducting a symphony for his plants. I tried it, but my tomato plant just gave me a sour note. Maybe Wade's plants have a better appreciation for Beethoven.
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