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Visors are like the mullets of headwear. Business on the top, party on the forehead. It's like they're saying, "I'm here to shield my eyes from the sun, but if a dance-off breaks out, I'm ready.
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I bought a visor once, thinking I'd be all sporty and cool. But wearing a visor doesn't make you instantly athletic. I put it on, and suddenly I could hear my fridge calling me from the kitchen, "Come get a snack, champion.
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Visors are like hats that went to a spa and said, "Just a little off the top, please." They're the minimalist approach to blocking the sun. Fashion meets function meets, "I'm not committing to the full hat today.
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I saw someone wearing a neon-colored visor the other day. I thought, "Well, that's one way to make sure people see you coming. It's like a tiny fluorescent billboard for 'I take my UV protection seriously.'
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You ever notice how people wearing visors look like they're in a perpetual state of trying to figure out if they left the oven on? "Did I turn it off? Or was that just a really bright streetlight?
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You ever see someone wearing a visor indoors? It's like, "Hey, we're not in the glaring sun of the great outdoors here, Karen. You can put down the face-shield for your eyes.
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Visors are like tiny little roof eaves for your eyes. It's like your face has its own porch. "Just sittin' here, enjoying the shade and contemplating life's mysteries, like why did I choose a visor today?
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Visors are the only headwear that make you question someone's commitment to shady business deals. "Are you negotiating a contract, or just trying to avoid squinting at the menu?
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I tried to impress my friends by wearing a visor backward once. It turns out, wearing it backward just makes you look confused about which way the sun rises. "Is it over there? No, it's definitely over there. I give up.
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