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I've got this friend who's obsessed with fantasy football. I never understood the appeal until he explained it to me. You essentially pick a team of real players, and their performance in actual games earns or loses you points. It's like playing a video game, but instead of controlling the characters, you're just anxiously watching them on TV, praying they don't get injured. My friend takes it so seriously that I caught him screaming at his TV, not because his favorite team was losing, but because his fantasy quarterback threw an interception. He was more upset about losing imaginary points than the actual game! I told him, "You know it's all make-believe, right? You're not managing a team; you're just stressing out over grown men playing catch with a ball.
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I tried watching the Olympics once, and I was so inspired that I decided to adopt the Olympic athlete diet. You know, the one where they eat, like, 5,000 calories a day? I figured if I ate like an Olympian, I'd eventually look like one. Spoiler alert: It didn't work. Instead of sculpted abs, I got a VIP pass to the nearest fast-food joint. I went to the grocery store and bought all these healthy foods, quinoa, kale, chia seeds – things I couldn't pronounce, let alone cook. I even bought a water bottle that had a little time marker on it, so I'd know exactly when to hydrate like a pro. But after a week, I realized that the only thing I had mastered was the art of ordering pizza online.
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I'm what you call "athletically challenged." I once tried to join a gym, but they gave me a tour, and I got winded. I asked the trainer if there was a cardio option that involved lying down, and he said, "Sure, it's called napping." Touche, fitness guy. And don't even get me started on sports injuries. My idea of a sports injury is getting a paper cut from the sports section of the newspaper. I tried doing a cartwheel once, and I ended up with a bruise in places I didn't know could bruise. I swear, if clumsiness were an Olympic sport, I'd be a gold medalist.
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You ever notice how people get so worked up about sports? I mean, come on, it's just a bunch of grown adults chasing after a ball. And don't get me started on the fans. They act like their entire existence depends on whether their team wins or loses. I have friends who will scream at the TV, throw things, and even wear the same unwashed jersey for weeks because they think it's their lucky charm. Seriously, if wearing a dirty shirt made you successful, I'd be a billionaire by now! But the real mystery to me is why people argue about sports like it's a matter of life and death. I had a friend who got into a heated debate about his favorite team, and I swear, for a moment, I thought he was about to challenge the other guy to a duel. I mean, imagine a world where disagreements were settled with a game of football instead of a shouting match. "I don't like your opinion, Bob. Let's settle this on the field!
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