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Group presentations are basically a lesson in how well you can pretend to know what the others in your group are talking about. It's like a synchronized swimming routine, but with PowerPoint slides instead of water.
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Ever notice how they always give you a time limit? It's like, "You have 5 minutes to change the world." Five minutes? I need at least five minutes to decide what to wear in the morning. Changing the world is a whole day commitment!
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Why do they always put the most uncomfortable chairs in the speech class? It's like they're testing our ability to deliver a speech while battling back pain. Forget eloquence; my main goal is to stand up without making a sound like a rusty door hinge.
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Public speaking is the only time we're encouraged to use our hands freely. Suddenly, I'm doing the Macarena to explain quantum physics, and I have no idea how I got here. I just hope my hands know more than I do.
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In speech class, they teach you about the power of eye contact. But let's be real, maintaining eye contact for an entire speech feels less like a powerful connection and more like a staring contest I didn't sign up for. Blinking is my silent cry for help.
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Speech class is the only place where feedback feels like a game of Russian roulette. You never know if you're going to get a pat on the back or a critique that shatters your confidence. It's a high-stakes performance, and my nerves are doing a standing ovation.
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You ever notice how in speech class, the teacher always says, "Imagine the audience in their underwear"? Yeah, like that's going to help. Now, not only am I nervous, but I'm also questioning everyone's fashion choices.
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Have you ever noticed how your voice sounds completely different in your head than it does on a recording? It's like, "Who invited this stranger to speak at my speech class?" Suddenly, I'm convinced my vocal cords are part-time comedians.
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The worst part about speech class is the fake enthusiasm they want you to have. "Speak with passion!" they say. But let's be honest, I'm not passionate about the migration patterns of butterflies. I just hope the butterflies appreciate my effort.
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