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You ever notice how in old family portraits, the kids always look like they're trying to escape? "Let me out of this frame! I've got toys to play with and mischief to make!
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I decided to paint my own self-portrait. Let's just say, stick figures should never be attempted in the world of fine art. The result? I look more like a crime scene sketch than a masterpiece.
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I asked an artist to paint my portrait in the style of the old masters. They delivered a beautiful piece, but when I looked closely, I realized they'd given me an iPhone instead of a scroll. I guess even the classics need an upgrade.
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Portraits are like time capsules. You look back at them, and suddenly you're transported to an era where corsets were a fashion statement, and taking a selfie meant you had to sit for hours holding a pose. Ah, the good old days.
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You ever notice how in old portraits, everyone looks like they're trying to remember if they turned off the stove? "Did I leave the hearth burning, or was it just my inner turmoil?" Classic Renaissance problems.
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Portraits are like the original Instagram filters. Back in the day, you had to sit still for hours, and the only option you had was the "stern expression" filter. No wonder people looked so serious in those paintings – they were just tired of holding a smile for that long!
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I went to a portrait studio recently, and they asked if I wanted a classic or modern portrait. I said, "Surprise me!" Now I have a portrait of myself holding a smartphone with a confused expression, wondering why my ancestors never took selfies.
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You know, I tried to get a portrait done the other day. Sat there for hours, trying to look all sophisticated and interesting. But by the time the artist was done, I swear I looked like a mix between a Renaissance painting and someone who just discovered they're out of coffee. Not the masterpiece I was aiming for.
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Have you ever noticed how in family portraits, there's always that one person who blinks at the wrong moment? They end up immortalized in the photo with a face that says, "I was there, but I wasn't really present.
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