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Can we talk about the sheer creativity required to come up with a new password? It's like modern-day poetry. I spend more time crafting passwords than I do crafting my Tinder bio. I mean, at least my password has to be strong; my bio just needs to be mildly interesting. And then there's the paranoia that kicks in. You start thinking, "If my password is too simple, hackers will break into my accounts and redecorate my Facebook page with cat memes." But if it's too complex, I'm the one who's locked out, desperately trying to remember if my favorite childhood toy was a ninja turtle or a power ranger.
I've even tried using phrases as passwords, thinking they'll be easier to remember. Like, "Ilovepizza123!" Spoiler alert: Hackers love pizza too, and they're not afraid to use my love against me.
And don't get me started on those websites that tell you your password strength. "Weak"?! Come on! My password might be weak, but my determination to avoid another password reset email is strong.
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I think we need a support group for people who suffer from password amnesia. We could sit in a circle and share our most embarrassing password-related moments. "Hi, I'm Dave, and I forgot my Netflix password in the middle of a Stranger Things binge. I had to Google the plot to figure out what was happening." We could have sponsors who've been password-sober for years. They'd be like, "I used to write my passwords on sticky notes and stick them to my monitor. Now I'm free. I remember all my passwords, and my monitor is note-free!"
And let's not forget the emotional trauma of changing your password regularly. It's like breaking up with an old friend. "Goodbye, 'ILovePizza123,' you served me well. Hello, 'QuinoaSalad456,' I guess we're in a healthier phase of our relationship now."
In our support group, we'd hand out achievement badges for every successful login. "Congratulations, you've reached the one-year mark without a password reset email. Here's your 'Master of the Password' badge." We'd proudly wear those badges like war medals, surviving the digital battlefield of forgotten passwords.
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Passwords mess with your mind. I swear, my brain has a conspiracy theory that passwords change when I'm not looking. I'll type in what I'm sure is my password, hit enter, and the computer's like, "Nope, try again." I'm thinking, "Did I get amnesia? Did I change my name to something more sophisticated overnight?" And why is it that the more secure the website, the more complicated the password requirements? It's like they're daring us to forget. "Your password must include a hieroglyph, a rune, and the solution to Fermat's Last Theorem." I'm just trying to order socks online; I don't need a degree in cryptography!
And then there's the frustration of getting locked out. You try three times, and they're like, "Sorry, you're done." It's like being kicked out of a party because you can't remember the secret handshake. I didn't want to be part of the cool kids' club anyway!
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You ever notice how passwords are like those friends who always pretend they're easy to remember, but when you really need them, they're nowhere to be found? I mean, I've got more passwords than I have friends. My phone is like, "Hey, remember me?" and I'm like, "Sorry, did we go to high school together, iPhone?" And what's with those password requirements? It's like they want us to create a nuclear launch code just to log into our email. "Your password must contain one uppercase letter, a lowercase letter, a number, a symbol, the blood of a dragon, and the secret to eternal life." I'm just trying to order a pizza, not protect the Ark of the Covenant!
And then there's the moment when you forget your password. It's like trying to get into a secret club that you've been a member of for years. You click on "Forgot Password," and they hit you with security questions like, "What's the name of your second cousin's goldfish's yoga instructor?" I'm sitting there thinking, "I don't know, but I hope they're doing well in downward dog."
It's so bad that I've considered changing my password to "incorrect." That way, when I forget it, the computer will be like, "Your password is incorrect." And I'll be like, "I know! But what is it?
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