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You know, every New Year we make these resolutions, like we're gonna become a completely new person. New year, new me, they say. But let's be honest, by the end of January, I'm just the same person with a gym membership I'm not using. It's like my resolution is on a trial basis, and I'm like, "Nope, I want a refund, this new me thing is not working out." And why do we always think the change is going to happen at the stroke of midnight? Like, Cinderella, but instead of a glass slipper, we're hoping our bad habits will magically disappear. If only it were that easy. I'd be standing there with a bag of chips, counting down, and suddenly, I'm allergic to carbs. But no, reality hits, and I'm stuck with the same love for pizza and a gym card that's collecting dust.
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We also get into these crazy diets. It's like suddenly, we're all nutritionists. I tried a juice cleanse once. Do you know what that is? It's a fancy term for "I'm hungry, and I miss chewing." By day three, I was hallucinating solid food. I saw a carrot, and I swear it winked at me. It's like my stomach was having a protest. It was like, "Give us real food or we're going on strike!" And then there's the guilt that comes with every cheat day. You eat a piece of chocolate, and suddenly you're confessing to your salad like, "Forgive me, Caesar, for I have sinned." It's a vicious cycle. The diet starts on Monday, and by Wednesday, I'm negotiating with a cookie. "Just one, and I promise I'll run an extra minute on the treadmill.
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So, I mentioned the gym, right? New Year's resolution hotspot. I went there once, and I thought I was having an out-of-body experience. I'm on the treadmill, sweating, regretting every life decision that led me to this point, and there's this guy next to me. He's sprinting, not breaking a sweat, and scrolling through his phone. I'm thinking, "Is he even real? Am I in a simulation?" And then there are those fitness classes. I tried a yoga class once. The instructor was so zen, like a human essential oil diffuser. And here I am, struggling not to fall over while attempting the downward dog. My dog at home does it better. At one point, I think the instructor could sense my struggle, so she whispered, "Breathe through your nose." Lady, if I could breathe at all, that would be a victory.
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You know, time is a funny thing. We make these resolutions thinking we have a whole year, and suddenly, it's December again. I look at my resolution list, and it's like a year-end report card. "Could do better. Tries hard but loses focus." It's like life is grading me, and I'm barely passing. I mean, who invented the concept of a year anyway? Time is this mysterious thing that we measure with a calendar. And as the year goes by, we realize the only thing that got thinner was our patience. But hey, there's always next year, right? New year, new resolutions, and the cycle continues.
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