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Let's talk about zippers. What's up with zippers? They act like they're doing you a favor. You try to zip up your jacket, and the zipper's like, "Oh, you want me to work today? Nah, I'm good. I'll just get stuck halfway and make you look like a fashion disaster." Zippers are the drama queens of the fashion world. They're like, "Look at me, I'm the center of attention!" And you're there struggling, like, "Come on, just close already!"
I feel like zippers go to zipper school to learn how to mess with us. They have secret meetings like, "Okay, guys, tomorrow, let's all get stuck on something important. It'll be hilarious.
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You ever notice how jackets have a mind of their own? I mean, you put it on in the morning, and by the end of the day, it's like, "I'm outta here!" My jacket has commitment issues. It's like, "I'll keep you warm, but only until I spot a trendier person." I took my jacket to a therapist once. Therapist asks, "What seems to be the problem?" And my jacket says, "I just can't commit to one person... I mean, torso. It's not you; it's me!"
I tried to make my jacket jealous once. I bought a scarf. Didn't work. My jacket just shrugged it off.
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You ever try to donate a jacket? It's like convincing your clothes to join a revolution. You open your closet, and the jacket's like, "I'm not going without a fight! You'll have to pry me off this hanger!" I tried to donate my old jacket, and it clung to me like a toddler to their favorite toy. I had to negotiate with it. "Come on, you'll have a great time in the donation bin. Think of all the adventures you'll have with someone else!"
I finally convinced it, and the next day, I see someone on the street wearing my old jacket. I felt like a proud parent, like, "Look at my little jacket, all grown up and keeping someone else warm!
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You ever lose your jacket at a party? It's like playing hide-and-seek with a piece of clothing. You put it down for two seconds, turn around, and it's gone. I swear jackets have a teleportation feature we don't know about. I imagine there's a secret society of lost jackets. They have their own little party in the coat closet, sipping on hanger juice and gossiping about their owners. "Oh, you won't believe where I've been today—some wild adventure!"
I lost my jacket once, and it came back with a sticker from a nightclub. I didn't even go to a nightclub! My jacket had a better social life than me.
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