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You ever notice how in group photos, there's always that one person who's barely visible? Yeah, that's me. I'm so white that in pictures, I look like a floating pair of eyes and teeth. My friends have started using me as a human reflector. They position me strategically to bounce sunlight onto their faces for that perfect Instagram glow. I was in a family photo once, and when we got the prints, it looked like my family had adopted a floating, levitating head. I showed it to my mom, and she said, "Well, at least we'll never lose you in a crowd!
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I'm so white that every time I step out into the sun, I hear a collective gasp from my skin cells. They're like, "What's this warm sensation? Is this... betrayal?" I've tried sunscreen, but at this point, I need SPF "Are You Sure You're Human?" I put it on, and suddenly, I'm more reflective than a disco ball. I went on a tropical vacation once. People thought I was a walking eclipse. Locals were handing me sunglasses and saying, "Please, sir, for the love of the island, dim your radiance." I was just trying to get a tan, but I ended up causing a solar disturbance.
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I'm so white that my skin is practically a blank canvas. In fact, the other day, I accidentally walked into an art class, and the teacher handed me a brush. She said, "Perfect! You're our living canvas." I spent the next hour being painted in abstract colors, and by the end, I looked like a melted rainbow. But being this white has its perks. I save a ton on flashlight batteries because I can just reflect the light with my skin. I'm the human flashlight, guiding people through dark alleys and finding lost keys. Who needs high-tech gadgets when you have me and my luminescent limbs?
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You know, I was looking in the mirror the other day and thought, "I'm so white, I could be the ghost in a detergent commercial!" I mean, Casper has got nothing on me. I'm so pale; I make snow look tan. But being this white has its challenges, you know? I can't play hide and seek in the snow. I just blend right in. My friends start counting, and by the time they reach ten, I'm freezing my butt off, waving my arms, going, "Guys, it's me! I'm right here!"
I tried tanning once. Emphasis on "tried." I went to the beach, lay down on the sand, and people started building sandcastles on me, thinking I was part of the landscape. I was just lying there, buried under a pile of kids' dreams and seashells, thinking, "Well, at least I'm helping with the local art scene.
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