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I recently took a self-defense class, you know, to protect myself from overly aggressive toaster ovens and menacing garden gnomes. And what's the first thing they teach you? Always carry an ice pick. Okay, maybe not, but imagine the surprise on the mugger's face when instead of handing over my wallet, I whip out an ice pick and say, "Looks like you're on thin ice!" And then promptly proceed to slip on said thin ice because, let's be real, I have zero coordination.
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You know, I was cleaning out my grandmother's attic the other day, as you do when you're looking for buried treasure or skeletons—whichever comes first. And what do I find? An ice pick. Now, don't get me wrong; I know what you're thinking. "Is this a stand-up set or a murder mystery?" But seriously, an ice pick? What's she been up to in her younger days? Was she a member of an elite Arctic spy organization? Or maybe she was just really into making the perfect iced tea, and I've been giving her too little credit all these years.
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You ever notice how fashion trends come and go? Bell-bottoms, mullets, and don't even get me started on Crocs. But what's the deal with using an ice pick as a fashion accessory? Imagine walking down the runway, strutting your stuff, and then—BAM! Ice pick in hand. Suddenly, everyone's a fashion critic. "Oh, is that the new spring collection?" "Is it for ice or our hearts?" Hey, if it's sharp and shiny, who am I to judge? Just make sure you don't sit down too fast; that could get... chilly.
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Have you seen those cooking shows where chefs are like, "Today, we're going to use a flamethrower to cook a soufflé!" Yeah, because that's exactly what I want: a charred dessert that tastes like gasoline. But can you imagine a cooking show where the host says, "Alright, today we're making an ice sculpture. And for that, you'll need—wait for it—an ice pick!" I mean, talk about a chilling experience. Forget the oven; we're going straight to the freezer aisle.
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