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You know what's a classic move? Hiding behind your spouse in social situations. I see it all the time at parties. Someone asks a question, and instead of answering, they just look at their spouse like they're the human Google. I tried that with my wife once. We were at a party, and someone asked, "What do you do for a living?" I just looked at my wife with those puppy-dog eyes. She whispered the answer to me, but I got it all wrong. Now, people think I'm a professional goat whisperer.
And let's talk about couples who post joint Facebook accounts. Who are you hiding from? The relationship police? "Oh, look at us, we're so in sync that we can't even have separate social media accounts." I bet behind closed doors, they're arguing over who forgot to take out the trash.
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You know, we're living in a world where everyone is hiding behind something. It used to be bushes or a well-placed potted plant at a party, but now it's all about technology. I mean, have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who's texting? It's like trying to talk to a ninja. You can see the phone, but you have no idea what's going on behind that screen. And don't get me started on social media. We've become experts at hiding behind our profiles. People are posting pictures from angles that make them look like models. I tried that once, but apparently, my best angle is the one where I'm completely hidden behind a menu at a fast-food joint.
I miss the good old days when the only thing we were hiding behind was our mom when we didn't want to eat our vegetables. Now, we're hiding behind filters and emojis. I sent a thumbs up to my boss once, and now I'm in charge of the entire project. Who knew the power of the thumbs?
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Have you ever been in a situation where you have to hide behind a fake smile? Like when your boss tells a terrible joke, and you're sitting there pretending it's the funniest thing you've ever heard. I'm a master at the fake smile. I've smiled through so many awkward moments; I should get an award. But the worst is when you run into someone you don't really like, and you have to put on the friendliest smile possible. It's like a showdown of fake smiles. I call it a "smile-off." Whoever cracks first loses. It's like poker but with teeth.
And let's not forget those family gatherings where everyone insists on taking a group photo. You're standing there, smiling through the pain, thinking, "I can't wait to delete this picture as soon as I get home." The camera might capture the smiles, but it can't capture the family drama happening behind the scenes.
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You ever notice how good we are at hiding behind excuses? I'm the king of it. My friends invite me to the gym, and I'm like, "Oh, I would totally go, but I have this rare condition where my sneakers are allergic to treadmills." It's a real thing; look it up. But it's not just me. We're all experts at coming up with excuses. I asked my friend why he was late, and he said, "I was stuck in traffic." I live in the same neighborhood, and there was no traffic. He was probably hiding behind his snooze button, hoping I wouldn't notice.
And don't even get me started on diets. We're all hiding behind our cheat days. "Oh, it's just a cheat day." Yeah, Susan, that's what you said yesterday, and the day before that. Pretty soon, your cheat day is going to turn into a cheat year.
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