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Have you ever noticed how crime shows always have these intense investigations to find the killer? In my life, if I can't find my phone, I just yell at my voice assistant until it starts ringing. "Siri, where's my phone?" It's not as dramatic, but it gets the job done.
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Crime shows make finding a killer seem like rocket science. Meanwhile, I struggle to assemble IKEA furniture without accidentally summoning some kind of demon. "Step 23: Insert wooden pegs. Step 24: Unleash hell.
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You know you're getting old when you watch a crime show, and instead of thinking about the mystery, you're evaluating the detective's choice of coffee. "Hmm, that's a bold move, drinking espresso during a murder investigation. I'd be chugging a whole pot of decaf by now.
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I read an article that said, statistically, you're more likely to know your killer than you think. Now, every time I see my neighbor, I give them that extra friendly wave, just in case. "Hey, Bob! Not plotting my demise today, are you?
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You ever notice how in crime shows, they always find the killer using high-tech forensic methods? In my house, we've got the most advanced crime-solving technology, too – it's called the "Mom Radar." If anything goes missing, she'll find it before the detective even finishes his coffee.
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My friend was bragging about having a killer instinct in business. Meanwhile, my only killer instinct is knowing exactly when the pizza delivery guy is about to ring the doorbell. "That's him! Prepare for the feast!
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I was watching a murder mystery show, and the detective was all serious, saying, "We're on the hunt for her killer." Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "Good luck with that. I can't even find my car keys half the time, and you're out here hunting killers like it's a weekend hobby.
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You ever notice how suspenseful true crime documentaries are? It's like, "Whoa, she had a killer!" Well, duh! Most people, at least once in their life, encounter a killer. Usually, it's just the hairdresser who chops off more inches than you asked for, but still, a killer nonetheless.
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Watching crime documentaries really messes with your head. The other day, I misplaced my sunglasses, and suddenly I'm convinced there's an elaborate plot to frame the cat for theft. "Whiskers, where were you on the night of the missing shades?
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