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What's the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! Oh wait, wrong joke. Anyway, ketchup on this one!
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Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing and realized it wasn't Heinz!
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Heinz ketchup is like the grandparent of all condiments. It takes its sweet time to show up, and when it finally does, everyone's just relieved it's still alive. 'Oh, there you are, old friend. We thought you were lost in the pantry.'
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I recently read that ketchup was once considered a medicine. Can you imagine going to the doctor and him saying, 'You've got a cold, take two tablespoons of Heinz, and call me in the morning.' I'd probably end up with a burger addiction.
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Ever notice how slow ketchup is to come out of the bottle? It's like waiting for that one friend who's always late. You're standing there, tapping the bottom, going, 'Come on, Heinz, get your act together. We've got burgers to save!'
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Ketchup, or as my therapist calls it, the condiment of unresolved childhood issues. 'Why do you keep drowning your fries in Heinz?' she asks. I'm like, 'Well, it's cheaper than therapy, and at least it won't ask me about my mother.'
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You know your life is in shambles when the highlight of your day is successfully hitting the '57' on the Heinz ketchup bottle. It's the small victories, people. Forget winning the lottery; I conquered the condiment code!
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Heinz ketchup is the only thing that unites us all. No matter your race, religion, or political affiliation, we can all agree that waiting for ketchup is the true test of patience. It's the great equalizer, turning us all into condiment philosophers.
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Heinz ketchup is so loyal. It sticks by you through thick and thin, literally. You could build a house with that stuff. 'Welcome to my ketchup mansion, where everything's red and slightly vinegary.'
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Why is it that when you ask for ketchup packets, they give you enough to survive a zombie apocalypse? I just wanted a few for my fries, not a lifetime supply. At this point, if society collapses, I'll be trading ketchup packets instead of gold.
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I like my relationships how I like my ketchup—dependable and with a pop of excitement. Sure, it takes a while to commit, but when it does, it's a saucy love affair. Just don't ask about its past with mustard; that's a messy divorce.
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