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You ever meet someone who's just always on top of things? Like, annoyingly so? Well, I've got this friend, Gordon. Gordon's the kind of guy who sets three alarms in the morning just so he can hit snooze on each one. He's an overachiever in the snoozing department, let me tell you. I called him up the other day, and I was like, "Gordon, how's it going?" And he goes, "Oh, you know, just finished writing my novel, climbed Mount Everest, and solved world hunger—all before breakfast." I'm sitting here struggling to find matching socks, and Gordon's out there saving the world by 8 a.m.
I tried to keep up with Gordon once. I set a goal to drink eight glasses of water a day. I made it to three and thought I was killing it. I called Gordon to share my achievement, and he's like, "Oh, I built a water purification system for my neighborhood. It runs on solar power. Step up your game, buddy!"
Gordon's the type of guy who probably has a to-do list for his to-do lists. I asked him once, "Hey, Gordon, what's your secret to success?" He looked at me dead in the eye and said, "Always carry a spare pen." I'm over here thinking it's some life-changing philosophy, but no, it's just about being prepared. Classic Gordon.
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Gordon takes time management to a whole new level. He schedules everything down to the minute. I asked him, "Gordon, when do you have time to breathe?" He pulls out his calendar and says, "Breathing is penciled in at 2:45 p.m. It's a short break, but I make it work." He's got alarms for everything. There's an alarm to wake up, an alarm to start work, an alarm to eat lunch, and even an alarm to remind him to set alarms. I'm over here struggling to remember where I put my keys, and Gordon's got reminders for his reminders.
I asked him, "What's the secret to your time management skills?" He looks at me and says, "It's all about prioritizing. For example, I allocate exactly 23 minutes and 17 seconds a day for existential crises. Keeps me grounded." I can't even decide what to have for breakfast in 23 minutes.
Gordon's the kind of guy who probably schedules his spontaneity. I bet he has a reminder that pops up saying, "Be spontaneous now!" And then he goes out and does something wild, like ordering a different coffee at Starbucks. That's living on the edge for Gordon.
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Gordon decided to take up cooking. Now, I'm not talking about whipping up a quick pasta dish. I'm talking about Gordon Ramsay-level gourmet meals. He invites me over, and I'm thinking it's just a casual dinner. Nope, it's a culinary experience. He hands me a menu and says, "Tonight, we're having a five-course meal." I'm like, "Gordon, I usually consider it a five-course meal if my microwave dinner has five different flavors." He's got me eating things I can't pronounce, let alone identify.
Gordon's kitchen has gadgets I didn't know existed. He's got a sous-vide machine, a molecular gastronomy kit, and something that looked like it came from a NASA lab. I asked him, "What's this doohickey?" He says, "Oh, that's just for deconstructing water. Adds a bit of flair to the H2O." I just wanted a glass of tap water.
I tried to help him in the kitchen once. He handed me a blowtorch and said, "Caramelize the crème brûlée." I'm over here thinking, "I just wanted to stir the pasta, not audition for 'Top Chef.'
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So, Gordon decided he needed to get in shape. He's like, "I'm going to start working out every day, no excuses." Meanwhile, I'm over here thinking about how lifting a bag of groceries is my daily exercise. But Gordon, he's serious. He calls me up one day, all excited, and says, "Guess what? I ran a marathon today." I'm like, "Gordon, I didn't even know you owned running shoes!" He replies, "Oh, I don't. I did it barefoot because I couldn't find my sneakers. Gotta adapt, you know?" Adapt? I can't even adapt to daylight saving time.
Gordon's fitness routine is next level. He does yoga, Pilates, CrossFit, and something called extreme meditation. I asked him, "What's extreme meditation?" He says, "It's like regular meditation, but you do it while skydiving. Keeps the mind sharp." Gordon, you're giving me anxiety just talking about it.
I tried to join him for a workout once. He handed me a kettlebell the size of a small car. I said, "Gordon, I thought this was a dumbbell. This is just dumb." But he's on another level. He bench-presses my self-esteem every morning.
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