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You ever notice how there's always that one guy at parties who thinks he's smooth, but he's just plain creepy? I call them the "Creepy Guys." You can spot them from a mile away. They're the ones standing in the corner, staring at you like they're a hungry vampire and you're a juicy blood bag. I had this encounter with a creepy guy the other day. He comes up to me and goes, "Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears." I'm like, "Dude, you're not a magician; you're just really good at making people uncomfortable!"
And why do creepy guys always have to whisper? It's like they're afraid the FBI is monitoring their pick-up lines. "Hey, baby, are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're Cu-Te." If you have to whisper a chemistry joke, you're already in the danger zone, my friend.
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Let's talk about creepy guys' pickup lines. I mean, where do they even come up with this stuff? It's like they have a secret society where they gather to brainstorm the most cringe-worthy lines possible. One guy once told me, "If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity." I was like, "Dude, if stupidity were a talent, you'd be a prodigy." And then there's the classic, "Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes." First of all, who still uses paper maps? And secondly, my eyes aren't a GPS system, buddy.
And let's not forget the guys who think they're being clever by using animal comparisons. "Are you a cat? Because you've got purr-fect written all over you." Sorry, but if I wanted to be compared to an animal, I'd rather be a majestic eagle, not a house cat.
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Now, Halloween is around the corner, and you know what that means – creepy guys trying to turn their weirdness into a costume. They think dressing up as a "sexy" version of something makes it less creepy. "I'm a sexy vampire." No, you're just a vampire who thinks it's a good idea to wear leather pants and glitter. And don't get me started on the creepy pick-up lines they use at Halloween parties. "Trick or treat? I choose treat, and the treat is you." I'm sorry, but the only thing you're getting from me is a lecture on consent and personal space.
So, here's my Halloween advice for creepy guys: if you want to be less creepy, just dress up as a regular human being. It's a scary concept, I know, but it might just work.
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Creepy guys have also invaded social media. They slide into your DMs like they're on a mission to make you regret ever posting that selfie. They start with the classic, "Hey beautiful, can I get to know the real you?" I'm like, "Buddy, you can't handle the real me; I can't even handle the real me!" And then there are those who think they're poets. "Your smile is like a sunrise, lighting up the darkness of my life." Please, my smile is more like a defense mechanism to scare away creepy guys.
But my favorite is when they try to impress you with their deep thoughts. "If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber." Really? That's the best you've got? If I were a vegetable, I'd be a bell pepper because I can be sweet or spicy, depending on my mood.
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