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Joke Types
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What did one pew say to the other? You're like a prayer book – full of good intentions but hard to follow!
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted at the church? Because he was outstanding in his field!
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What do you call a group of musical whales that attend church? A gospel!
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Why did the church start a gardening club? Because they wanted to grow the congregation!
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I tried to make a reservation at the church for Sunday, but they were fully booked – it was a pew-packed service!
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Why do seagulls make great church attendees? They have excellent hymn-earing!
Divine Napping
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You ever notice how churches are like the only place where it's socially acceptable to nap in public? I mean, if you doze off in a meeting at work, you're labeled lazy. But in church, it's a spiritual experience! They should rename it The Church of the Holy Snooze.
Holy Water Park
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I went to a church the other day, and they had this fancy fountain at the entrance. I thought it was for holy water, but turns out, it's just there to make you feel guilty about not tithing enough. It's like a splash of divine judgment.
Heavenly GPS Woes
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Ever notice how churches always have the most confusing layouts? It's like a spiritual labyrinth. I asked an usher for directions, and he said, Turn left at confession, go straight past the holy water, and if you hit the baptismal font, you've gone too far. I felt like I needed a GPS for the afterlife.
Choir Confessions
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The church choir is the only group that gets away with looking like they just stepped off a runway. I joined once, thinking it would be all about the music, but it turns out it's a fashion show with a side of hymns. I felt like I needed a wardrobe upgrade just to sing.
Pews or Airplane Seats?
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Church pews are the only seats where you feel guilty for reclining. I tried leaning back during the sermon, and the guy behind me looked at me like I'd just asked for his firstborn as collateral.
Holy Wi-Fi Woes
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Churches need to step up their game. I walked into one the other day, and the Wi-Fi password was like a theological riddle. I asked the priest, Is 'ForgiveMeFather' case-sensitive?
Sermon or Stand-up?
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Sometimes I feel like I'm attending a comedy show in churches. The priest starts with a joke, and everyone laughs politely, but then you realize you're the only one who didn't get it. Why did the chicken cross the road? To find salvation, obviously!
Miraculous Parking
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Finding parking at a crowded church is a divine miracle. I once circled the lot for 20 minutes, and just when I was about to give up, a space opened up like it was heaven's valet service. I swear, angels were directing traffic.
Heavenly Discounts
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You know you've been going to church too much when you start expecting loyalty points. I mean, after a certain number of prayers, I should get a heavenly discount, right? Congratulations, you've earned a free salvation upgrade!
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