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You know, my doctor recently prescribed me a chill pill. Yeah, apparently, I've been running on the "panic and stress" setting for too long. So, I go to the pharmacy, and I'm like, "Give me those chill pills!" The pharmacist looks at me and goes, "Sir, this is a pharmacy, not a rave." I take this chill pill, and suddenly I'm all laid back, like, "Why was I stressing about that report? I could've written it in crayon, nobody cares!" But the side effects, oh boy. Now I'm so chill, I'm considering a career change to become a sloth. I'm like, "Why hustle when you can nap?
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I took a chill pill before coming here tonight, and I almost didn't make it on stage. I was backstage, lying on a beanbag, contemplating the mysteries of the universe. The event organizer was like, "You're on in five minutes!" And I'm like, "Time is just a construct, man." I finally made it here, and you're lucky I did because my backup plan was to send a hologram of myself. You'd be sitting there, and my hologram would be like, "Hey, remember that time we all laughed together? Good times, right?
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You ever take a chill pill and then try to accomplish something? It's like participating in the Chill Pill Olympics. "And in the event of Most Relaxed Human, the gold medal goes to... that guy over there, still in his pajamas at 2 PM!" I tried to break my personal record for the longest time spent on the couch without moving. I even had a judge – my cat. She just sat there, staring at me, probably thinking, "Human, you're doing it wrong. Let me show you how it's done.
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So, this chill pill got me thinking – maybe I should market this stuff. I could be the pharmaceutical kingpin of relaxation! Imagine the commercials: "Stressed out? Take a chill pill, endorsed by the guy who can't even remember where he left his car keys!" I'll have endorsements from the most relaxed people on the planet – like, the Dalai Lama, Snoop Dogg, and a cat on a sunny windowsill. I'll call it "Chillaxinol." Side effects may include extreme chillness, sudden bursts of laughter, and an overwhelming desire to order pizza at 3 AM.
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