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I have a theory that busy people invented speed dating. I mean, it makes sense, right? They don't have time for the traditional slow-paced dating scene. They want to know if you're marriage material in the time it takes to microwave a burrito. I imagine a busy person speed dating event would be like a job interview. They sit you down, look at your resume (which is just a list of your hobbies because who has time for achievements?), and then ask, "Where do you see this relationship going in the next three months?" Three months? I'm still deciding if I like your taste in movies.
And then there's the speed breakup. If they're not feeling it within the first five minutes, they hand you a rejection letter and say, "Thank you for your time. We'll keep your contact information on file for future opportunities." Ouch. Rejected and put on a waitlist for love.
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You ever meet those people who proudly proclaim, "I'm a busy person"? Like it's some sort of badge of honor. They're the ones who schedule their bathroom breaks and probably have a color-coded spreadsheet for their snacks. I mean, what are they so busy with? Do they have secret meetings with aliens or something? I tried asking a busy person once how they manage to do it all. They looked at me with that condescending smile and said, "It's all about time management." Time management? I can barely manage to not burn my toast in the morning. If my life had a theme song, it would be the Jeopardy tune playing on a loop.
But here's the kicker - these busy folks are also the ones who sign up for relaxation classes. Yeah, you heard me right. They schedule time to relax. It's like signing up for a stress-free boot camp. "Alright, everyone, ten minutes of deep breathing, and then we'll move on to the advanced level of sitting on a couch without checking your emails."
I tried joining one of these classes, thinking I could use some relaxation too. I walked in, and the instructor looked at me and said, "Are you sure you can spare an hour for this?" I was like, "Lady, I just cleared my schedule for the next 60 minutes. I'm practically on vacation!
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Can we talk about the email habits of busy people? You know those folks who treat their inbox like a to-do list on steroids? They have more unread emails than I have friends. I asked one of them how many unread emails they had, and they said, "Oh, just a couple of thousand." A couple of thousand? That's not an inbox; that's a cry for help. I tried to imagine their inbox as a physical space. It would be this dark, cavernous room with emails piling up to the ceiling. There's probably a dragon guarding the important emails, and you have to answer riddles to get to them. "What has a subject line and is ignored for weeks?" The answer is their unread emails.
And you know what's worse? They're the ones who send you an email and then immediately follow up with a text, "Did you see my email?" Yes, I saw it. I also saw the 500 other emails you sent this week. I need a search party and a map to find your message in that digital jungle.
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Have you ever tried having a conversation with a busy person? It's like talking to a bobblehead that's stuck on fast forward. They nod so vigorously; I'm surprised their heads don't spin around like in a horror movie. I think they've mastered the art of nodding without actually listening. You can be pouring your heart out, and they're nodding like they just discovered the meaning of life. But ask them what you just said, and it's like you asked them to solve a quantum physics problem. Blank stares all around.
I tried testing this once. I started talking about my dream to open a cat circus, and they nodded along like it was the most profound thing they've ever heard. Then, I asked, "What's my dream?" They blinked at me and said, "Something about cats, right?" Nailed it.
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