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Burglars must have a secret training school or something. I mean, they can tiptoe through a house like they're auditioning for a Broadway musical. If only they put those skills to good use, we'd have the most graceful dance-offs at our local community center.
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I was thinking about getting a pet for security, you know, to scare away burglars. Then I realized, burglars probably have a list of houses with the scariest pets, and they avoid those places altogether. So, here I am, with a guard Chihuahua named Mr. Fluffington.
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Have you ever noticed that burglars always seem to be selective about the stuff they steal? Like, they'll take your flat-screen TV, but they won't touch that collection of porcelain cats you inherited from your grandma. Apparently, even burglars have standards.
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Burglars must have a peculiar sense of humor. They break into your house, rearrange the furniture, and then leave. I'm starting to think they're just frustrated interior designers expressing themselves in the wrong way.
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You know you're getting old when you start considering burglars as a form of exercise. "Honey, I heard a noise downstairs. Let's see if we can beat our record sprinting to the alarm panel this time!
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I saw a sign that said, "Beware of dog." But the thing is, my neighbor's dog is the friendliest creature on the planet. I think I need a sign that says, "Beware of socially awkward neighbor with a broomstick." That should do the trick.
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You ever notice how burglars always seem to have the worst timing? I mean, seriously, I'm in the middle of watching a movie, and here comes this guy dressed in black, trying to steal my TV. Dude, it's the climax of the film! Can't you wait until the credits roll?
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Burglars are like the unsolicited salespeople of the criminal world. They show up at your door, uninvited, trying to sell you the experience of losing your valuables. "Special offer today: Buy one stolen item, get a lifetime of anxiety for free!
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You ever notice how burglars always seem to find the one squeaky floorboard in your house? It's like they're on a mission to give you a heart attack. "Sure, take the TV, but please, oil that floorboard on your way out!
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