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Advertisements always show people waking up looking like they just stepped out of a spa. I wake up and look like I've been in a wrestling match with my blanket, and my hair has its own agenda. I call it the "morning chic" look – very avant-garde.
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Advertisements make gym memberships seem like the gateway to a perfect life. I signed up for a gym, and now my idea of a workout is convincing myself to take the stairs instead of the elevator. The only six-pack I have is in the fridge.
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I love how commercials for fitness equipment always feature people smiling while working out. If I tried smiling during my workout, I'd look like a deranged maniac. "Hey, look at me, I'm having so much fun lifting these weights. Help!
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Why do fast-food ads make their burgers look like they just walked off the runway? I ordered a burger once, and it looked like it had been through a tough week – flat, disheveled, and definitely not Instagram-ready. I felt like I should apologize to it before taking a bite.
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Have you ever bought something online and then the ads for that exact item follow you everywhere on the internet? It's like having a digital stalker. I bought a pair of shoes, and now my computer thinks I want to be in a committed relationship with those shoes. It's a one-time purchase, not a lifetime commitment!
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Advertisements for beauty products promise to make you look ten years younger. I tried one of those creams, and now I have the skin of a baby – if that baby had spent its entire life in a desert without sunscreen. I guess I'm just embracing the "vintage" look.
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Advertisers love using the word "natural" on food packaging. "All-natural ingredients," they say. I bought a bag of chips claiming to be all-natural, but when I looked at the ingredients, I found a paragraph that I needed a dictionary to understand. If that's natural, then call me a cyborg.
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Advertisers use celebrities to endorse products, like they're the ultimate authority on everything. If I want beauty tips, I'll ask a dermatologist, not a movie star. Imagine taking financial advice from someone whose last hit was in the '90s – "Invest in Blockbuster, it's the future!
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You ever notice how advertisements on TV make everything look so easy? I saw this ad for a vacuum cleaner, and in the commercial, they effortlessly sucked up a bowling ball. I tried the same thing, and all I got was a vacuum cleaner with an identity crisis and a very confused cat.
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