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You know, I asked my accountant if he ever gets tired of dealing with numbers all day. He said, "Not really, but sometimes I dream in Excel formulas." I couldn't imagine dreaming about spreadsheets. That's a nightmare in cells – both Excel and jail! I decided to confess my financial sins to him, thinking it would lighten the mood. I said, "I once bought a designer suit on sale. Is that a crime?" He looked at me like I'd committed tax evasion. "It's not illegal, but it should be." Well, excuse me for trying to look financially responsible while on a budget!
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You ever notice how accountants are the only people who can turn a laugh into a spreadsheet? I told my accountant I wanted to invest in comedy, and the next thing I knew, he handed me a pie chart of my laughter distribution. Apparently, I have a disproportionate amount of snickers in the fourth quarter. Who knew laughter had a fiscal year? And don't get me started on tax deductions. I asked him if my collection of rubber chickens qualified as a business expense. He said, "Only if they're part of a diversification strategy." Now I'm imagining Wall Street bankers sitting around with rubber chickens, discussing market trends. "Sell high, squawk low!
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I've got an accountant who's so quiet, I call him the CPA Whisperer. He speaks in decimals and communicates through ledgers. I asked him why he's so reserved, and he said, "I save my excitement for tax season." Tax season? That's his WrestleMania! I tried to spice things up during our last meeting. I said, "Hey, let's make this interesting. If you can make me laugh, I'll double your fee." He looked at me and deadpanned, "Your financial situation is the joke." Well played, CPA Whisperer, well played.
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Tax season is like the Olympics for accountants. They've got categories like "Fastest 1040 Filing" and "Synchronized Spreadsheeting." I imagine them in an office, furiously typing away, while judges hold up scorecards with numbers I don't understand. I tried to get in on the action. I asked my accountant if we could do a relay race to file my taxes. He said, "Sorry, but you'd need a team of CPAs for your financial gymnastics." I guess cartwheeling through deductions isn't a valid strategy. Who knew?
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