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So, I'm trying to be more of an optimist in life. My friend told me, "Look on the bright side!" Well, I did. Turns out, the bright side was just a really well-lit dead end. Thanks for the advice!
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My friend, the eternal optimist, told me, "Every cloud has a silver lining." I replied, "Yeah, and sometimes that silver lining is just rain ruining my weekend barbecue plans.
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I tried to impress my optimistic neighbor by planting a garden. I said, "Look at my beautiful tomatoes!" He said, "Well, at least you have a lot of green tomatoes. It's like a pre-salsa garden!" Thanks, I guess?
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I asked an optimist to help me find my car keys. He said, "Think positive, they'll show up!" Well, they didn't, and now I'm positive I need a ride to work tomorrow.
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I told my optimistic friend I was feeling a bit under the weather. He said, "Cheer up, at least you're not under the ground!" Well, that's not exactly the pep talk I was looking for.
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I decided to join a support group for optimists. Yeah, it's called "Everything's Gonna Be Okay Anonymous." The first rule of the group is you're not allowed to say, "What could possibly go wrong?" Let me tell you, it's a tough crowd in there.
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You ever notice how optimists love to use those motivational quotes? I tried that, but it backfired. I put up a sign in my office that said, "Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." Now, I just have a bunch of sweaty coworkers staring at me.
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I decided to become an optimist, so I got a pet parrot. Now, every morning, it squawks, "Today is going to be a great day!" Unfortunately, it also learned to imitate the sound of my alarm clock, so every day starts with a rude awakening.
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Ever notice how optimists are like, "The glass is half full!" Well, I'm more of a realist. I say, "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be." Who's responsible for these oversized glasses anyway, the Glass Association of America?
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