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I told my mean friend he should be more positive. Now he's positively mean!
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Why did the mean math book get thrown out of school? It had too many problems!
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I asked the mean computer for help, but it just gave me a byte! Guess I should've been more specific.
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Why did the mean phone go to the party? It wanted to be in the 'cell'-ebrity circle!
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I tried to befriend a mean storm, but it said I wasn't lightning enough. Shocking, right?
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Why did the mean teacher become a gardener? She wanted to see her students 'grow' up!
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Why did the mean cat sit on the computer? It wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!
The Grin and Grimace Crew
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You ever see someone smile while simultaneously grimacing? It’s like their face can't decide between joy and agony. It’s the universal signal for I’m happy for you, but also a bit envious, and slightly gassy.
The Mean Machine
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You ever meet those folks who use sarcasm as a second language? They’re the Mean Machines of our society, keeping us on our toes. You know, the kind who say, Oh, sure, I love your haircut, it’s so...unique. Like, thanks for the cryptic compliment, buddy. I feel like I just won a backhanded compliment lottery.
The Masters of Understatement
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Some people have mastered the art of understatement. They see a mess and call it a bit untidy. They experience chaos and label it a slight inconvenience. It’s like living with walking, talking, real-life euphemisms. Oh, the apocalypse? Just a minor disturbance in the cosmic balance.
The Irony Squad
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Ever notice how the most honest people tend to dislike hearing the truth about themselves? It’s like their truth-o-meter only works one way. Tell me the unvarnished truth... unless it’s about me. In that case, lie, please!
The Art of Brutal Honesty
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I respect those who claim to be brutally honest. They’re like human wrecking balls, swinging through conversations without caring what’s left standing. But sometimes, I wonder if they have a manual for brutal honesty. You know, like a How to Offend Politely guidebook. Congratulations! You’ve just insulted someone and maintained eye contact. Level up!
Backhanded Compliments 101
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Backhanded compliments should be an Olympic sport. I mean, they require precision, timing, and a sprinkle of insincerity. Wow, you’re so brave wearing that outfit! Translation: You’re dressed like a fashion disaster, but I admire your confidence.
The Land of Passive-Aggressive Post-its
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Ever worked in an office where passive-aggressiveness is an art form? Post-it notes become battlegrounds for polite snark. Kindly refill the coffee after use. Please and thank you. Translation: Refill the coffee or face the consequences. Smiley face optional.
The Masters of Impersonal Compliments
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There are those folks who give compliments that feel like they're reading from a generic script. You’re such a great person, they say to everyone. It’s like they attended Compliments 101 and only learned the standard package. Congratulations, you’re officially a nice human being. Next lesson: originality.
The Emoji Evasion
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Ever text someone and get hit with the one-word reply followed by an emoji? That’s the modern version of You’re being too needy, but I’ll throw in a smiley face to soften the blow. It’s like they've discovered the secret code of passive-aggressive communication. Hey, wanna grab lunch? Nope. 😊
The Critics Club
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I’ve stumbled upon the members of the Critics Club. You know, the people who are professional fault-finders? They must have meetings in secret, discussing the fine art of critique. Ah, yes, Greg. Your cynicism levels are impressive, but I think you can work on being more condescending. Maybe throw in a sigh or two for extra effect.
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