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I recently updated my LinkedIn profile with my latest koalafications. It now says, "Proficient in pretending to work while actually just staring at a screensaver for hours.
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I was at the doctor's office the other day, and they asked me about my koalafications for health insurance. I said, "Well, I've successfully avoided getting eaten by drop bears in Australia, does that count?
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You ever notice how getting a job nowadays feels like applying for a koala's position? "Must have eucalyptus-eating experience and excellent tree-branch hanging skills. Koalafications required!
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You ever notice how resumes and dating profiles are just a list of our koalafications for existing in society? "Skilled in small talk, can parallel park, and has a 98% success rate in not saying 'you too' when the waiter tells me to enjoy my meal.
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I thought about applying for a job as a zookeeper. They wanted someone with koalafications. I said, "I've binge-watched every episode of 'Koala Kingdom' on Animal Planet. Does that count?
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Job interviews are weird. They ask about your koalafications, and you're like, "Well, I've successfully assembled IKEA furniture without any leftover screws. That's gotta count for something, right?
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Dating is like a job interview. You have to list your koalafications for being a good partner. Mine include "expert cuddler" and "can reach the top shelf without a step stool.
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I tried to impress my date with my cooking skills, but they asked for my koalafications in the kitchen. I said, "I once made a microwaveable meal without setting off the smoke detector. That's gourmet, right?
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You ever look at your resume and think, "If life had a koalafication section, I'd list 'expert napper' and 'master of avoiding Mondays' as my top skills.
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