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You ever notice how kids these days are like tiny adults with the energy of a thousand suns? I was at a family gathering the other day, and these two kids, aged 10 and 11, were running around like they were training for a marathon. I thought I was in the middle of a toddler triathlon. I was exhausted just watching them. And they've got all these gadgets and gizmos that I can't even comprehend. I asked one of them, "What's your favorite subject in school?" and they said, "YouTube." YouTube is not a subject! I remember when my favorite subject was recess, not watching someone unbox toys on the internet. These kids are making me feel like a relic from the past. I tried to impress them by saying, "Back in my day, we had dial-up internet," and they looked at me like I was describing ancient hieroglyphics.
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You ever been to a parent-teacher conference? It's like a professional roast session where your child's teacher tells you all the ways your kid is a unique little snowflake. I went to one recently for the 10-year-old, and the teacher said, "Your child has a vivid imagination." Translation: they can spin a tall tale like nobody's business. I was nodding along, thinking, "Yeah, that's my kid, the next J.K. Rowling." Then came the discussion about teamwork. The teacher said, "We're working on improving your child's teamwork skills." I looked at my kid and thought, "Teach them to share the PlayStation controller, and we'll talk about teamwork." It's like they're prepping these kids for corporate life at age 10. I miss the days when the only teamwork I needed was forming alliances in a game of tag during recess.
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You know you're getting old when your primary role in the family shifts from cool cousin to tech support. I'm the go-to person for any electronic device malfunction. Recently, I was helping these 10 and 11-year-olds set up their new gaming console. They handed me the controller, and I felt like I was holding a UFO. I turned it around, expecting to find an instruction manual, but all I got was a bunch of buttons that looked like a secret code for unlocking the secrets of the universe. I asked, "How do you even play games on this thing?" They looked at me like I was asking them to explain the meaning of life. One of them said, "It's easy, just press the 'X' button." I pressed it, and suddenly, I was in a virtual world where I had no idea what was going on. I miss the simplicity of my childhood games, where the only cheat code I needed was "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start.
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Let's talk about homework. Remember when homework was simple? You had a textbook, a notebook, and maybe a pencil if you were feeling fancy. Now, these kids have projects that require a NASA supercomputer to complete. I tried helping my niece with her homework, and I swear, I needed a PhD in advanced mathematics just to understand the instructions. And don't get me started on the subjects. I asked, "What are you studying?" and they rattled off things like quantum physics for beginners and advanced emoji interpretation. I had to Google half of it just to keep up. I miss the days when my biggest concern was whether I had enough quarters for the arcade after school. These kids are out here solving equations that look like they belong on the wall of a mad scientist's lab.
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