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Have you ever noticed that the expiration date on salad dressing is more like a suggestion? Like, "Hey, it's just a guideline. If it smells okay, it's probably still good." I'm pretty sure I've eaten dressings that have outlived some relationships.
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Shopping carts at the grocery store have a mind of their own. You start pushing, and suddenly it's headed straight for the cereal aisle. It's like the cart has a checklist: "Must visit every section before you find what you actually need.
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Why do we call it "rush hour" when the traffic is moving at the speed of a particularly lazy snail? I'm sitting there in my car, creeping along, thinking, "If this is a race, I'd like a refund.
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Can we talk about how "As Seen on TV" products always promise to change your life? I bought one of those magical chopping gadgets, and now my kitchen looks like a crime scene every time I use it. It's less "As Seen on TV" and more "As Cleaned up by Forensic Investigators.
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Ever notice how laundry machines sound like they're having an argument? First, there's the aggressive spinning, followed by the rhythmic banging. It's like a domestic dispute, and we're just trying to keep our socks from getting caught in the crossfire.
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Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are low? It's like, "Come on, just one more episode before you die, you little electronic warrior." It's the 21st-century version of giving your TV a pep talk.
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You ever notice how alarm clocks have that snooze button strategically placed right where you can slap it without even opening your eyes? It's like the only button on the entire device with a built-in GPS for half-asleep hands. It's the ultimate "five more minutes" enabler.
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The microwave is a time-traveling device. You put your food in for two minutes, and suddenly, it's three hours later, and you're questioning all your life choices. It's like, "Is this reheated pizza worth the existential crisis?
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You ever go to a restaurant, and the menu is more like a novel? I'm just sitting there, trying to decide between "The Epicurean Symphony of Flavors" and "The Gastronomic Delight Extravaganza." Can't we just have a section called "Food That Tastes Good"?
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I love how we all pretend to understand complex passwords. I mean, who are we fooling? "Must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a symbol, the name of your favorite childhood pet, and the lyrics to 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'" My password is practically a novel at this point.
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