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I bought a variety pack of hot pockets the other day. It turns out the variety is just different ways of burning the roof of your mouth. It's like a crash course in oral pain tolerance.
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Hot pockets are proof that we, as a society, have collectively agreed that convenience sometimes trumps taste. It's like, "Sure, it might not be gourmet, but can you make it in under 5 minutes?
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Hot pockets are the perfect midnight snack if you're looking for a meal that can double as a hand warmer. Forget microwave instructions; just slap it between your palms for a minute, and voila – gourmet warmth.
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Hot pockets are like culinary roulette. Will it scald your tongue, freeze your taste buds, or miraculously be the perfect temperature? It's the closest thing to a food-based surprise party.
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You know you're an adult when your definition of a gourmet meal shifts from a fancy restaurant to successfully microwaving a hot pocket without setting off the smoke alarm.
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I tried making a homemade version of a hot pocket once. It was just a tortilla with some cheese and ham. I called it a "Warm Rectangle of Regret." Turns out, culinary skills don't magically appear in your kitchen.
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The packaging on hot pockets always says to let it cool for a few minutes after cooking. I'm convinced that's just a conspiracy to test our ability to resist temptation. Spoiler alert: I have zero self-control.
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If hot pockets had a dating profile, it would say, "I may burn you at first, but deep down, I'm warm and comforting." It's the bad boy of the frozen food aisle.
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I always follow the cooking instructions on the hot pocket box. You know, so I can pretend I'm a responsible adult. In reality, I'm just a grown-up playing a dangerous game of culinary Simon Says.
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