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I recently discovered that my dog is an excellent judge of character. He barks at everyone except for one friend. I trust my dog's instincts, but I'm starting to question my choices in friends.
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Speaking of relationships, have you ever tried shopping with your significant other? It's like a scavenger hunt where the prize is spending way too much money on things you never knew you needed. "Honey, do we really need another decorative throw pillow?" Apparently, yes.
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Let's discuss the weather. Why do weather apps even exist? They always promise accuracy, but I've planned picnics on sunny days that turned into waterlogged disasters. I'm starting to think meteorologists are just playing an elaborate prank on us.
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Have you ever tried talking to plants? They say it helps them grow. I've been chatting with my fern for weeks, and it's still looking at me like, "You're not a horticulturist; stop pretending." Maybe I should stick to jokes – at least people laugh!
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Have you ever tried assembling furniture from a well-known Swedish store? It's like solving a puzzle with missing pieces and a manual written in hieroglyphics. My bookshelf is now a modern art installation in frustration.
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You know, my girlfriend always says I have a unique talent – making her laugh. But I've noticed it's more of a survival instinct. Like, she laughs to keep from crying when I attempt to cook.
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Let's talk about technology for a moment. Have you ever noticed that autocorrect is like that friend who always tries to finish your sentences but ends up saying something completely different? Thanks for the suggestion, but I was trying to say "ducking.
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Ever notice how we say "sleep like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours crying? If that's sleeping like a baby, count me out. I'll take the sleep of a well-fed cat any day.
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You ever feel like your refrigerator is judging you? I opened mine the other day, and it just stared at me like, "You again? Thought you were on a diet." I swear my appliances have better memories than I do.
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