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Let's talk about social media friends. You know, the ones you haven't seen in years, but you're still following each other's lives like you're invested in some long-running soap opera. I have this friend I haven't seen since high school. We're basically strangers, but thanks to Instagram, I know what her breakfast looked like this morning. Like, "Oh wow, Susan, your avocado toast really changed my life today."
And then there's the pressure to like each other's posts. You ever accidentally double-tap on a photo from three years ago? Now, you're the creepy stalker friend who's been lurking in the shadows. It's like, "Sorry, Susan, didn't mean to like your vacation pics from 2018. My bad."
I'm waiting for the day when someone confesses, "Yeah, we haven't talked in a decade, but I've been living vicariously through your dog's Instagram. He's living a better life than both of us combined.
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You ever have those friends who are like ninjas? They never appear in photos. It's like they have a superpower to avoid the camera. You scroll through an album, and it's like playing "Where's Waldo," but with your friends. I have this one buddy who's always conveniently in the bathroom whenever we're taking pictures. I'm convinced he's got a secret hideout in there, like a superhero changing room. "Sorry, guys, duty calls. Gotta save the world from bad angles."
And then there's the friend who insists on staying behind the camera, claiming to be the designated photographer. Yeah, right. More like the designated avoider of evidence. "I'll just capture the memories, guys, you go ahead and enjoy being seen."
I'm waiting for the day when someone asks, "Hey, do you have any pictures of Dave?" And I'll be like, "Yeah, just a sec," and pull out a sketch pad because that's the only way we can document his existence.
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You ever notice how friendship has become this elaborate photoshoot? I mean, back in the day, you'd just hang out with your buddies, maybe throw a frisbee around, spill some soda on each other. But now, it's like, if you don't have a picture together, did it even happen? I've got friends who treat our hangouts like a Hollywood blockbuster. They're like, "Hold on, let me get my good side. Oh, wait, can we do a candid one? Act like you're laughing. No, not like that, more natural!"
I'm just waiting for the day we have a director on set yelling "Cut! We need more chemistry, guys!"
And don't get me started on filters. I have friends who are like, "Bro, this filter makes us look so much more 'chill.' Trust me." And suddenly, we're hanging out in an antique photo from the '70s. I'm like, "Yeah, really chill, man. I feel like I need a time machine to understand our friendship.
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Group photos are a battleground, my friends. You've got the tall friends, the short friends, the photogenic friends, and then there's me, the one blinking in every picture. There's always that friend who insists on being the photographer. "Trust me, I've got the perfect angle." But when you see the photo, you realize they were just trying to hide their own bad hair day.
And then there's the classic struggle of deciding where to look. Do you stare into the camera with a serious face, or do you go for the casual look into the distance? I always end up looking like I'm lost and trying to find the exit.
But the worst part is when someone tags you in a photo where you look like a potato, and suddenly, your entire family is asking, "Is everything okay? You look really tired." No, Aunt Karen, I'm just bad at group photos.
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