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Girls and texting – it's like decoding ancient hieroglyphics. You get a message, and it's filled with emojis, acronyms, and punctuation marks that you didn't even know existed. I got a message the other day that said, "Hey! 😘 OMG LOL TTYL 🙈." I had to consult the Rosetta Stone to figure out if that was a love letter or a grocery list. And what's the deal with the timing of responses? Girls have this uncanny ability to reply exactly 37 minutes after you sent your message. It's like they have a secret committee that convenes to decide the optimal waiting time. Meanwhile, guys are over here replying in two minutes like we've been waiting by the phone for hours.
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Shopping for girls is like going into battle. I'm telling you, the mall is a war zone, and the enemy is called "on-sale-but-not-in-my-size." It's like a guerrilla warfare scenario, trying to navigate through the sales racks without getting trampled by a stampede of bargain-hungry shoppers. And don't even get me started on the changing rooms. It's like a fashion show in there, with girls coming out and asking for opinions. As if I have any idea whether those shoes go with that dress – I'm just trying not to get caught staring at my phone.
You ever notice how guys shop versus how girls shop? A guy walks into a store, finds what he needs, buys it, and he's out of there. A girl walks into a store, tries on 15 different outfits, ends up buying the first one she tried on, and then spends the next week regretting not getting the other 14.
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You know, for girls, going to the bathroom is like a secret society meeting. Seriously, it's like they have a secret language in there. Have you ever tried to decipher the messages on the back of the bathroom stall doors? It's like the Da Vinci Code in Sharpie. And why is it that girls always go to the bathroom in groups? I mean, is there safety in numbers or are they just trying to overwhelm the germs with sheer girl power? You'll never see a guy saying, "Hey bro, mind if I tag along to take a leak?"
I imagine inside the girls' bathroom, there's a whole strategy session going on. "Okay, Tiffany, you go in first and check for toilet paper. Jennifer, you stand guard by the sinks. And Emily, you make sure nobody's taking too long in front of the mirror – we've got a line forming out here!
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Ladies and their hair – it's a love-hate relationship. I don't understand the amount of time and money that goes into styling hair. There are more tools and products involved than a NASA rocket launch. I walked into my girlfriend's bathroom the other day, and it looked like a crime scene with all the hair care paraphernalia scattered around. And what's the deal with the debate over long hair versus short hair? Girls are like, "Long hair, don't care!" until it's time to brush out a knot the size of Texas. Then it's more like, "Long hair, definitely care – a lot."
I suggested once that maybe they should go for a low-maintenance hairstyle, and you'd think I'd insulted their entire family. It's like I proposed we give up indoor plumbing or something.
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