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You ever notice how fancy restaurants always serve you this thing called focaccia? I mean, they make it sound like some Italian secret society dish. "Ah, yes, the focaccia. Only the chosen ones shall taste its divine flavors." I'm starting to think there's a focaccia conspiracy going on. They probably have secret meetings where they discuss how to make it even more mysterious. I went to a restaurant the other day, and the waiter was like, "Our focaccia is made with a 100-year-old starter dough passed down through generations." I'm sitting there thinking, "Is this a bread or a relic from the bread gods?" I mean, I just want some carbs, not a history lesson. Imagine if we treated everything like that. "This water is sourced from the tears of mystical unicorns." I just want hydration, not a magical experience!
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Why does focaccia get all the attention? I feel like it's the popular kid in the cafeteria, and the other bread is sitting alone at the nerdy table. Baguettes are like, "Hey, we have feelings too!" Focaccia is the quarterback of the bread team, and bagels are the chess club. I tried to bring a baguette to a dinner party once, and people looked at me like I brought a relic from the past. "Oh, how quaint, a baguette. Did you also bring a monocle and a pocket watch?" I'll have you know, baguettes are the unsung heroes of the bread world. No one ever talks about the struggles of being a non-focaccia bread. #BaguetteEquality!
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I heard people say that baking focaccia is therapeutic. Therapeutic? I tried making focaccia, and it was more like entering a stress-induced bread battlefield. First, the dough was too sticky, then it was too dry. It's like Goldilocks and the three batches of focaccia. And let's not even talk about the emotional rollercoaster of waiting for it to rise. I'm sitting there staring at the dough like it's going to reveal the secrets of the universe. And the toppings! Everyone's a gourmet chef when it comes to focaccia. "Oh, you need at least three types of olives and a rare cheese from the top of a mountain in Italy." I'm just trying not to burn the thing.
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Have you ever met those people who are obsessed with focaccia? They treat it like it's the Beyoncé of bread. "Oh, you haven't tried the rosemary-infused focaccia with artisanal olive oil? You're missing out on life!" I'm sorry, I didn't realize my worth as a human being was determined by the type of bread I consume. And don't get me started on those who make their own focaccia. It's like they've joined a cult. They post pictures online like they just gave birth to a carb baby. "Introducing my homemade focaccia, born after hours of kneading and baking labor." Meanwhile, I'm over here struggling to keep a pot of instant noodles from turning into a disaster.
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