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Dwayne loves online shopping, but have you ever seen the disappointment on his face when the package arrives, and it's not the same as the picture? I'm convinced he's part of a secret club where they send you the "almost" version just to mess with you.
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Dwayne loves telling stories, but they always have this elaborate setup, and you're sitting there thinking, "Where is this going?" It's like he's narrating the director's cut of his life. "Scene 37, take 3: Dwayne realizes he forgot to buy milk." Roll credits!
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You ever borrow something from Dwayne, and he acts like he's doing you a massive favor? "Oh, you need to borrow my stapler? Well, aren't you lucky to have a friend with such high-quality office supplies." It's just a stapler, Dwayne, not the Crown Jewels!
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Dwayne is the king of microwave etiquette. You put your food in for three minutes, and he'll come by and stop it at 2:57 because "three minutes is too long." Dude, it's the microwave, not a time machine. We're not sending our meals into the future!
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Dwayne has this unique talent for finding the squeakiest shopping carts at the grocery store. You can hear him coming from aisles away. It's like he's auditioning for a role in the "Symphony of the Supermarket.
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Ever been to a restaurant with Dwayne? He's that guy who studies the menu like it's the Rosetta Stone, but when the waiter comes, he panics and orders the same thing he gets every time. Variety is the spice of life, Dwayne, not just for your spice rack!
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Dwayne's got this habit of nodding along to songs, pretending he knows the lyrics. You can catch him singing something like, "Yeah, yeah, spaghetti on a Tuesday, right?" I think he's secretly composing the next viral hit, "The Noodle Anthem.
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He loves taking selfies, but have you noticed how Dwayne's selfie angle is always from above? It's like he's hiding the fact that he's only three feet tall. I swear, if Instagram had a height filter, Dwayne would be the first to use it.
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You ever notice how Dwayne always pretends to know what's going on during a conversation, but you can see that look in his eyes like he's decoding an alien language? It's like he's in a secret spy mission to understand small talk.
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