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You know, I've realized that the COVID virus has turned us all into amateur epidemiologists. I never thought I'd be discussing R0 values and transmission rates at family dinners. "Pass the potatoes, and by the way, did you sanitize your hands before touching that?
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You ever notice how our perception of coughing has changed? Before COVID, if someone coughed, we'd be like, "Oh, they probably just ate something the wrong way." Now, it's like witnessing a crime. "Everyone, back away slowly, and don't make any sudden moves!
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I've discovered that my favorite outdoor activity is now judging people's mask fashion. Some people treat it like a runway show. I've seen sequins, tie-dye, and even one with a built-in microphone. I guess they're hosting the pandemic talent show.
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The other day, I saw someone reaching for a handshake, and I instinctively pulled back like they were offering me a live grenade. "Sorry, fist bump or elbow, that's the only currency accepted in the pandemic economy.
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I've become so accustomed to wearing a mask that when I see someone in a movie not wearing one in a crowded space, I'm like, "Hey, that's not social distancing! Where's their hand sanitizer?" I've become the health inspector of fictional worlds.
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I miss the days when "viral" meant something completely different. Now, if something goes viral, it's either a hilarious cat video or a tweet about the latest pandemic conspiracy. We've really changed the definition of contagious content.
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The COVID test feels like a bizarre game show where you stick a swab up your nose, and the host says, "Survey says... you do not have the virus!" I'm just waiting for confetti to fall from the ceiling when I get my results.
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The pandemic has made me an expert in deciphering muffled conversations through masks. It's like a new form of communication. I can now understand someone saying, "The Wi-Fi here sucks," without them removing their mask. Who needs lip reading when you have mask telepathy?
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Remember when we used to make fun of people who hoarded toilet paper? Now we all have a secret stash somewhere in our homes, and we guard it like it's the Crown Jewels. "No, you can't borrow a roll – this is my retirement plan.
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