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Let's talk about Instagram. You ever scroll through Instagram and start feeling like everyone's life is a movie, and yours is a documentary about snacks and avoiding responsibilities? People on Instagram are living their best lives, or at least the filtered version of it. I mean, I look at these photos, and I'm like, "Is this a vacation pic or a scene from a Vogue photoshoot?" I tried taking a selfie once, and I looked like I was auditioning for the role of a potato.
And the captions, oh boy. "Just casually sipping my organic, hand-picked, ethically sourced unicorn tears latte." Meanwhile, I'm struggling to spell "latte" right in my Starbucks app.
Then there's the pressure to post regularly. It's like a social media fitness routine. "Gotta keep those likes in shape, folks!" I miss the days when the only filters we had were for our coffee.
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So, I hired a ghostwriter to help with my comedy. Yeah, they're like the unsung heroes of the funny business. But here's the thing, they send me these notes, and it's like deciphering ancient scrolls. I get these brilliant ideas, but they're written in a secret language only they understand. It's like, "Talk about the paradox of choice in the cereal aisle." I'm standing there in the grocery store like, "Do I go with the flakes or the loops? This is not the existential crisis I signed up for."
And then there's the pressure to deliver the punchlines just right. It's like having a comedy coach who's also a linguistic archaeologist. "No, no, say it with more pizzazz! Imagine you're telling a joke in zero gravity while juggling flaming bowling pins." I'm just trying not to trip over my own words.
But hey, shoutout to my ghostwriter. Without them, I'd be on stage telling knock-knock jokes and hoping for the best.
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You know, I recently updated my bio on social media. You ever do that? It's like trying to distill your entire existence into 150 characters. It's like, "Hey, world, here's the trailer for the movie of my life, but it's missing all the good parts." I'm looking at other people's bios for inspiration. You ever see those bios that are like, "Adventurer, foodie, philosopher, and professional napper"? I'm over here like, "Well, I took the stairs instead of the elevator today, and I can microwave like a champ. Does that count?"
Then there's the pressure to be deep and inspirational. You ever read someone's bio and it's like they're auditioning for a motivational speaker role? "Changing the world, one positive vibe at a time." Meanwhile, I'm just trying to change my bedsheets, and that's a struggle.
And don't get me started on the people who list their accomplishments. "Award-winning this, expert in that." I'm tempted to put "Survivor of Monday mornings" on mine. That's a real achievement, folks.
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Let's talk about passwords. Can we agree that coming up with a secure password is like trying to solve a riddle written by a drunk wizard? They're like, "Make sure it's at least 12 characters, with a mix of uppercase, lowercase, numbers, symbols, and a hieroglyphic from an ancient civilization." I'm over here like, "I can't even remember where I put my keys yesterday, and you want me to remember this password that looks like the result of a cat walking across a keyboard?"
And then there's the constant password changing. They say it's for security, but it feels more like a psychological experiment to test our patience. By the time I remember my new password, it's time to change it again. It's a never-ending cycle of confusion and frustration.
I swear, one day we'll log in, and the computer will just ask, "What's the meaning of life?" And if you don't have a philosophical answer, you're locked out forever.
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