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Athletes have these strict diets, cutting out carbs and sugars. I tried that once, but then I remembered pizza exists. I'm just saying, if pizza isn't part of your diet, is it really living?
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I attempted a home workout video the other day. The instructor said, "Feel the burn!" I felt more like feeling the pizza delivery guy's burn as he handed me my dinner.
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Have you noticed how athletes always have these intense pre-game rituals? Like, LeBron James powdering his hands before a basketball game. I tried that before a work presentation once, and now my coworkers think I have a strange addiction to baby powder.
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You know you're out of shape when your Fitbit sends you a sympathy card instead of a congratulatory one. "Dear wearer, we're here for emotional support.
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Athletes always have these inspiring quotes about pushing their limits. I tried that at an all-you-can-eat buffet, and my limit was three plates. Turns out, I'm not as motivational as I thought.
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Have you seen the size of some of these protein shakes athletes drink? I tried one and felt like I had swallowed a small car. Now my stomach has a six-pack, but it's more like a six-pack of soda.
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You ever watch the Olympics and realize you can barely touch your toes, while these athletes are doing triple backflips on a balance beam? I'm over here struggling with basic yoga, and they're out there defying the laws of physics.
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I recently started jogging, or as I like to call it, "running for my life." The only marathon I've ever participated in is the one where I binge-watch an entire season of my favorite show.
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Gymnasts have this uncanny ability to stick landings with such grace. Meanwhile, I trip over my own feet on a flat surface. Maybe I should start doing cartwheels to the office printer, make it look intentional.
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