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Bookstore Time Warp
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Time works differently in bookstores. You go in thinking you'll spend 30 minutes, and suddenly it's dark outside, the staff is giving you subtle hints to leave, and you're pretty sure you missed your own birthday. It's like Narnia, but with more paper cuts.
Fictional Fitness
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I bought a fitness book once. It said, To get in shape, lift heavy weights. So, I bought the heaviest book I could find. Now I'm in great shape, but I still can't open the pickle jar without help.
The Library Conspiracy
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Have you ever felt judged by a librarian? I returned a book a day late, and the librarian looked at me like I had just robbed Fort Knox. I'm sorry, Barbara, I got caught up in the thrilling saga of doing my laundry. I didn't mean to disrupt the Dewey Decimal System.
The Unreadable Quest
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I love how every time I ask a bookstore employee for help finding a book, it turns into a quest. They give me directions like, Go past the fantasy section, through the mystery maze, and if you see the self-help swamp, you've gone too far. I feel like Frodo, but instead of a ring, I'm trying to find the latest Stephen King novel.
Bookstore Social Anxiety
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You ever try to impress someone at a bookstore by casually picking up a classic and pretending you've read it? I tried that once, and the book turned out to be a Shakespearean play. Now I'm stuck in a conversation about iambic pentameter, and all I wanted was to look smart. Mission failed.
Bookstore Relationships
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Bookstores are the ultimate test for relationships. You think you know someone, and then you find out they're a dog-eared page monster. I saw a couple arguing in the self-help section. She said, You need this book on communication, and he replied, I've been trying to tell you that for months!
Bookstore Zen Zone
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Bookstores are my zen zone. I go there to find peace, sit in a corner, and read. Until someone sits next to me and starts loudly discussing the plot twists. Excuse me, sir, I'm trying to enjoy a murder mystery, not your phone conversation with Aunt Mildred.
Bookstore Blues
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You ever notice how in a bookstore, people act like they're on a covert mission? Like, we're not in the CIA, Karen, we're just browsing romance novels. I saw a guy yesterday using a book as a shield to avoid making eye contact. I'm pretty sure he thought the cashier was an enemy agent. Dude, it's just a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice,' not a secret weapon!
The Bookstore Diet
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I tried the bookstore diet once. You know, where you buy a stack of self-help books, and the weight of your unread guilt helps you shed pounds. Turns out, the only thing lighter was my wallet.
Bookstore Mysteries
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Why do bookstores have a mystery section? I feel like it's a trap. You go in looking for a murder mystery, and suddenly you're wrapped up in a real-life mystery trying to find your way out of the labyrinth of bookshelves. I call it the Case of the Missing Exit.
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