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You guys remember Tony Hawk, right? The dude practically lived on a skateboard. I mean, his mom probably had to check under his pillow for grip tape before tucking him in at night. I imagine his first words weren't "mom" or "dad"; they were probably "ollie" or "kickflip." But you know, Tony Hawk is so good at skateboarding that even his skateboard is probably like, "Tony, can you chill for a moment? I'm tired of being the LeBron James of skateboards. Give me a break!"
I bet when Tony Hawk was a kid, he used to get detention just for doodling skateboard ramps on his math homework. The teacher would be like, "Tony, you need to focus on your algebra," and he'd be like, "But Ms. Johnson, I'm just trying to calculate the perfect angle for a 360 flip!"
And then there's the Tony Hawk video game series. I love those games. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater is the only place where I can do a perfect McTwist without face-planting into a pile of shame. I'd play that game, and my character would do all these insane tricks, and then I'd try to skate in real life, and it looked like I was trying to breakdance on a piece of plywood.
But you know, every time I play those games, I can't help but think Tony Hawk is watching me, judging my virtual kickflips. Like, "Come on, man, that's not how you land a Christ Air. Get it together!
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Have you guys noticed that Tony Hawk doesn't age? I mean, seriously, the dude looks the same now as he did in the '90s. I'm convinced he made a deal with the skateboard devil or something. I bet Tony Hawk doesn't use regular sunscreen; he uses skateboard wax. He probably has a fountain of youth in his backyard, but instead of water, it's filled with Mountain Dew and broken skateboard parts.
And have you seen him at skateboarding events? He's out there doing tricks that defy the laws of physics, and I'm over here struggling to bend down and tie my shoelaces without making weird grunting noises. Tony Hawk is the Benjamin Button of skateboarding, except instead of getting younger, he just keeps getting more rad.
I imagine Tony Hawk's family photos look like a timeline of skateboarding history. "Here's Tony doing an ollie in the '80s, and oh, here he is doing a kickflip at our family reunion last weekend."
But you know what? I've figured it out. Tony Hawk doesn't age because he's actually a time-traveling skateboard superhero. He's just here to make sure the timeline stays gnarly.
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You ever wonder what Tony Hawk does when he's not on a skateboard? Like, does he go to the grocery store and do kickflips down the cereal aisle? Does he use his skateboard as a shopping cart and just cruise through the produce section? I bet Tony Hawk has a secret identity where he pretends to be an average guy. He walks into a coffee shop, and the barista is like, "Hey, you look like Tony Hawk," and he's like, "Nah, you must be thinking of some other incredibly talented and good-looking skateboarder."
And then he orders a latte, but instead of giving his name, he just draws a little skateboard on the cup. The barista looks at it and goes, "Wait a minute, are you Tony Hawk?" And he winks and says, "No, but I hear he's a pretty cool dude."
But you know, even when he's trying to be normal, he probably can't escape it. He goes to a job interview, and they ask, "Do you have any special skills?" And he's like, "Well, I can do a 900, but I'm also proficient in Microsoft Excel.
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I can't help but imagine what it's like being Tony Hawk's kid. Like, your dad is the skateboarding legend, and you're just trying to learn how to ride a bike without the whole world expecting you to do a tailwhip. Imagine having a school talent show, and everyone is doing magic tricks and singing, and then your dad shows up and does a perfect heelflip on stage. You're sitting there like, "Thanks, Dad, now how am I supposed to follow that?"
And what about playdates? The other kids come over, and Tony Hawk is there, dropping into the halfpipe in the backyard. The other parents are like, "Is that Tony Hawk?" And you're like, "Yeah, that's just my dad doing a casual 540. NBD."
But you know what the best part is? When you get in trouble, instead of grounding you, Tony Hawk probably makes you watch his old skateboarding competitions as punishment. "You know what you did, now sit here and appreciate the art of the McTwist."
And family vacations must be a blast. Instead of a road trip, they probably just skate from one destination to another. "Kids, grab your boards, we're shredding our way to Disneyland!
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