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They said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen their faces as I drove pasta!
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I asked the chef if he had any tips for making a great soup. He said, 'Just simmer down.
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They said I couldn't make a bicycle out of spaghetti. But it was two-tired anyway.
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I asked the electrician if he had any current projects. He just gave me a shocking answer.
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I asked the tailor if he could fix my ripped jeans. He said, 'I'm a seamstress, not a miracle worker.
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You know, they said, Money can't buy happiness. I tried buying a puppy, and I gotta say, I'm pretty darn happy. Turns out, they were right – money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a tail-wagging, slobbery, furry bundle of joy.
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They said, Honesty is the best policy. So, I told my boss what I really thought of the company's new policy, and now my honesty is looking for a new job. Apparently, job security isn't part of that policy.
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You know, they said, Dress for success. I tried wearing a suit to bed, but all it got me was a very confused and uncomfortable night's sleep. Apparently, success is not comfortable; it's just well-dressed.
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So, they said, Don't cry over spilled milk. Well, I spilled my entire gallon of milk, and let me tell you, not crying was the least of my worries. I was too busy calculating the cost of lactose-based carpet replacement.
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So, they said, Follow your dreams. Well, I did, and now I'm on a first-name basis with the security guards at Disneyland. Turns out, they frown upon adults dressed as superheroes on the teacup ride.
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They said, Life is short, enjoy the little things. So, I started enjoying my bank account. Turns out, my bank account is as short as life, and the little things are just the leftover pennies after bills.
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You know, they said, Laughter is the best medicine. I tried telling that to my pharmacist, and now I'm banned from the pharmacy. Apparently, they meant prescription refills, not punchlines.
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You know, they said, Love is blind. Well, I guess that explains why my dog thinks I'm the most attractive person in the world. Either that or my dog needs glasses – but who am I to question unconditional love?
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So, they said, The early bird catches the worm. I tried waking up early, and let me tell you, that bird must be on some serious caffeine. The only worm I caught was the one in my tequila bottle the night before.
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