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I've realized that my hands have become so dry from all the hand sanitizing that they're basically auditioning for a lotion commercial. If soft hands were an Olympic sport, I'd be a contender.
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Remember when we used to complain about having too many emails in our inbox? Now, I'm just happy if one of those emails isn't about "unprecedented times" or "the new normal." Can we go back to complaining about spam?
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I've discovered that my dog has a better social life than I do. Every time he sees another dog on our walks, it's like a canine version of a night out at the club. Meanwhile, I'm just here practicing my small talk with the neighbor's mailbox.
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In the past, we used to avoid people who coughed without covering their mouths. Now, we avoid people who breathe without a mask. Times have changed. I miss the good old days when the only thing contagious was laughter – not viruses.
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I've started talking to my plants during this pandemic. I figure if they're going to witness me stress-eating snacks and watching Netflix all day, the least I can do is keep them in the loop. They're my new therapists, and surprisingly, they're great listeners.
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My wardrobe has officially given up. Sweatpants and hoodies are now considered formal wear, and I have a feeling my jeans are plotting their revenge in the closet.
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Grocery shopping has turned into a high-stakes game of "Supermarket Sweep" but with a twist – instead of grabbing everything, we're dodging people and racing to find the last roll of toilet paper. It's like the Hunger Games, but with more fiber.
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Quarantine has turned me into a professional chef. Not because I've learned to cook gourmet meals, but because I've mastered the art of transforming leftovers into a completely new dish. Call me the Picasso of microwaving.
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Zoom calls have become the new fashion runway. Business on top, pajamas on the bottom – it's the mullet of the digital age. I've never seen so many people accessorize with a coffee mug before.
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