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Why was the ruler upset? It couldn’t handle the curveballs life threw at it!
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Why did the ruler refuse to play poker? It couldn't handle the bends and folds!
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Why was the straight line so popular? It always took the direct route to humor!
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Why did the pencil envy the ruler? It wanted to measure up to its straightness!
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Why did the straight line win the race? It had the most direct path to the finish line!
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Why did the mathematician get along so well with the straight line? They both knew how to stay on track!
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Why did the arrow admire the straight line? It found its perfect role model!
Straighter than a ruler in a geometry class
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You ever meet someone so straight, you're convinced they've got a secret compass implanted in their spine? I mean, they're straighter than a ruler in a geometry class. If life were a geometry problem, they'd be the answer to finding the perfect straight line. I bet even their shadow looks at them and thinks, Dude, you need to loosen up a bit. It's okay to cast a curve every now and then.
Straighter than a microwave timer counting down
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Have you ever seen someone walk so straight you thought they were on a mission? It's like they've got a built-in timer, and they're counting down to something big. Alright, folks, in 5...4...3...straighten up! 2...1...mission accomplished. They're straighter than a microwave timer counting down. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here on a slow roast setting, just trying to figure out when our timer's gonna beep.
Straighter than a penguin on a red carpet
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Some people are so straight-laced; they make a penguin on a red carpet look like it's practicing dance moves for the next disco night. Penguins are waddling, tumbling creatures, but you put one on a red carpet, and suddenly it's got more poise than a debutante at a ball. Meanwhile, you've got these people walking around straighter than that penguin, like they're auditioning for a role in a human parade.
Straighter than a news anchor during an earthquake
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I met someone the other day who was so straight; you'd think they were auditioning to be a news anchor during an earthquake. Nothing rattles them; they deliver the news with the calmness of a straight line. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here shaking like a poorly made Jello mold. I tried delivering the news once, but my broadcast had more twists and turns than a soap opera plot.
Straighter than a GPS trying to recalculate
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You ever notice how some people walk? I mean, I've seen GPS devices with more curves than some folks. I'm convinced they program those navigation systems to take detours just to avoid a straight path. It's like the GPS is saying, Nope, I'm not going down that straight road; let's make a left, a right, and maybe a U-turn just for fun. Meanwhile, you've got people walking straighter than a GPS trying to recalculate. I bet if they were a road, it'd be a perfectly paved highway, no twists, no turns, just a straight shot to... wherever they're headed.
Straighter than a corporate flowchart
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Some people are so straight, they'd make a corporate flowchart jealous. You know those charts that try to map out every step, every decision? Well, these folks are living their lives like they've got a personal flowchart hanging above their heads. Step 1: Wake up. Step 2: Be straight. Step 3: Repeat. I tried following their flowchart once, but I got lost at Step 2; apparently, my path involves a few more detours.
Straighter than a professional chess player's moves
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You ever meet someone so straight; you'd think they're playing chess with life, and every move is a perfectly calculated, strategic decision? These folks are straighter than a professional chess player's moves. I'm over here playing checkers, and they're three moves ahead, thinking about retirement plans and 401(k)s. I tried playing chess once, but I got distracted by the knight; who thought giving a horse L-shaped moves was a good idea?
Straighter than a pogo stick's trajectory
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Some people walk so straight; you'd think they're on a pogo stick's trajectory through life. Up and down, up and down, without a single deviation. I'm over here stumbling through life like I've got two left feet, and they're bouncing around like they're in a straightness parade. I tried hopping on a pogo stick once, but it turns out life's not as bouncy or predictable as those straight-laced individuals make it seem.
Straighter than a barber's best line
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I met someone the other day who was straighter than a barber's best line. I mean, this person's life was so well-coiffed and neatly trimmed; even their problems had a fade. Meanwhile, the rest of us are walking around with hairdos that look like they were styled in a wind tunnel. I'm convinced they've got a secret handbook on how to live life with all the right angles.
Straighter than a librarian's overdue fines policy
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You ever meet someone so straight-laced, they make a librarian's overdue fines policy look like a wild party? I mean, these folks are so by the book; you'd think they were the book. You ask them to bend the rules a bit, and they look at you like you just suggested painting the Mona Lisa with ketchup. They're straighter than a librarian shushing someone. Excuse me, sir, your life choices are disturbing the peace in this library of normalcy.
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