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New Year's resolutions at rock bottom are like setting goals for a game you've already lost. I decided to make a list of resolutions, and the first one was "lose weight." Well, guess what? I lost weight... my wallet got lighter because I spent all my money on comfort food. At rock bottom, the only exercise you get is jumping to conclusions. I tried jogging, but my fitness app sent me a notification saying, "Are you sure you're not sleepwalking?" I mean, thanks for the concern, but I'm just trying to get my steps in, not audition for a horror movie.
I even attempted a diet, but at rock bottom, the refrigerator is your worst enemy. It's like, "Oh, you want a salad? How about some leftover pizza instead?" And I'm just standing there, arguing with a tub of ice cream, trying to negotiate my way to a healthier lifestyle.
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Rock bottom and technology have this weird partnership. My phone's facial recognition refuses to acknowledge me when I'm at my lowest. It's like, "Sorry, we can't verify your identity because you look like a mess right now." Thanks for the self-esteem boost, Siri. And have you noticed that your GPS has a special setting for rock bottom? It's called "Detour through Despair." I was driving, and instead of guiding me to my destination, the GPS said, "Make a U-turn and reconsider your life choices."
Rock bottom even affects my Wi-Fi. The signal strength is directly proportional to my emotional stability. If I'm feeling great, it's full bars, but the moment I hit rock bottom, suddenly I'm relying on carrier pigeons for communication.
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You ever notice how rock bottom is like that sketchy friend who promises they won't show up to the party, but there they are, crashing on your couch? I hit rock bottom recently, and I'm convinced it has a GPS tracker on me. I was walking down the street, and suddenly, my shoe untied itself. I swear it did. Rock bottom is that sneaky accomplice that makes sure you trip on the little things in life, literally. You know you've reached rock bottom when your phone autocorrects "hopeful" to "hopeless." I sent a text saying, "I'm feeling hopeless about this job interview," and my phone changed it to "I'm feeling hopeless about this job interview, LOL." Thanks, autocorrect, I appreciate the humor, but I'm trying to get my life together here.
And let's talk about the weather at rock bottom. It's like a constant drizzle of disappointment. You check the forecast, and it just says, "Chance of failure with a 100% certainty of regrets." I tried opening an umbrella, but it was one of those tiny ones meant for cocktails. So here I am, getting rained on by life's bad decisions.
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They say rock bottom is the foundation on which you can rebuild your life. Well, I must be an architect because I've been doing some serious construction down there. I built a mansion of self-pity and a garage for my shattered dreams. At rock bottom, you become a philosopher without even trying. I came up with some deep thoughts like, "If life gives you lemons, make a sour face and wonder why life is handing you fruit instead of solutions." I'm practically the Confucius of despair.
But here's the thing about rock bottom wisdom—it's like a cheap knockoff version of real wisdom. It's like buying a Rolex from a guy in a back alley—it might look good, but it's not going to stand the test of time.
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