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Have you ever been so broke that you look at a bank and think, "Man, that place has a lot of potential savings inside. Maybe I should start my own withdrawal program.
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You ever notice how every time you watch a movie about a robbery, the criminals are always these suave, sophisticated masterminds with elaborate plans? Meanwhile, in real life, I can't even successfully order takeout without forgetting to ask for extra sauce.
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The other day, I saw a sign in a store that said, "Shoplifters will be prosecuted." I thought, "Well, duh! What's next, a sign in a restaurant that says, 'Customers caught dining and dashing will be chased by angry chefs'?
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I saw a sign at the bank that said, "No Hats, No Sunglasses, No Robbery." Well, thank you, Captain Obvious. Because nothing says "I'm here to deposit my paycheck" like a ski mask and aviators.
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You know it's a tough economy when even criminals are outsourcing their jobs. I overheard a guy saying, "I used to be a local burglar, but now I outsource my stealing to a guy in another country. It's cheaper, and he even throws in free identity theft.
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I went to the ATM the other day, and it asked if I wanted a receipt. I thought, "Sure, I'll take a receipt for my non-existent millions." Apparently, the only thing I'm robbing is my own dreams of financial success.
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I accidentally left my phone in the car the other day, and when I returned, I found a note that said, "Sorry, couldn't find anything valuable, but your taste in music is criminal." Well, at least I'm stealing hearts with my playlist.
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They say laughter is the best medicine, but have you ever tried paying your medical bills with a joke? I told the hospital cashier a knock-knock joke, and they just handed me a receipt and a sympathetic smile.
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I saw a news report about a guy who tried to rob a store with a fake gun made of cardboard. Talk about a low-budget crime spree. I guess he wanted to stick to the principle of "reduce, reuse, and rob.
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