21 Husband And Wife In English Jokes

Puns

Updated on: Sep 14 2024

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Why did the wife bring a ladder to the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house!
Why did the husband bring a glue stick to the kitchen? He wanted to stick to the recipe!
Why did the husband carry a pencil around? So he could draw his own conclusions!
Why did the wife bring a stopwatch to the argument? To clock the time it took for the 'I told you so' moment!
Why don't wives ever forget birthdays? Because they never forget anything!
Why did the husband bring a shovel to bed? He wanted to dig up some dirt on his dreams!
Why did the wife file her nails on the car ride home? She wanted to avoid any sharp turns in the conversation!
Why did the wife bring a dictionary to bed? In case there was a synonym for 'sleep'!
Why did the husband bring a belt to the party? Because he wanted to hold up his end of the conversation!
Why did the wife bring a map to bed? So she wouldn't get lost in her dreams!
Why don't husbands ever get lost? Because they always find their way to the couch!

Shopping Cart Wars

Ever been grocery shopping with your significant other? It's like a high-stakes game of cart chicken. We're cruising down the aisles, both with our shopping lists, and inevitably, there's a showdown in the snack aisle. May the best shopper win!

Bedside Manners

My wife has this uncanny ability to steal the entire blanket in the middle of the night. I wake up shivering, clinging to the edge of a tiny corner, while she's wrapped up like a human burrito. It's like living with a blanket bandit.

Anniversary Amnesia

Anniversaries are a tricky business. My wife remembers the date, the time, the weather, and what we were wearing when we first met. Me? I'm just proud if I remember to say Happy Anniversary and not Happy Birthday. It's a yearly test of memory and survival.

The Great Toothpaste Squeeze

We recently had a heated debate in our house – over toothpaste. My wife is all about that neat, organized squeeze from the bottom. Me? I'm more of a chaotic, middle-of-the-tube squeezer. It's like a tiny battle in the bathroom every morning.

GPS vs. Husband Sense

My wife relies on her GPS for directions, while I have what I like to call husband sense. She'll be there, following the GPS like it's the voice of an all-knowing deity, and I'm sitting next to her saying, Trust me, I've got a shortcut. Spoiler alert: The GPS is usually right.

The Great Thermostat Debate

There's a constant war in our house, and it's not over who gets control of the remote – it's the thermostat. My wife wants it warm enough to grow tropical plants, and I want it cool enough to store ice cream. Finding a middle ground feels like negotiating a peace treaty in the Arctic.

Lost in Translation

You ever notice how being a husband and wife is like speaking two different languages? My wife speaks fluent English, and I speak... well, something that sounds a lot like English, but with a few extra grunts and confused expressions. It's like we're playing a game of linguistic charades every day.

Remote Control Wars

You know you're in a serious relationship when the TV remote becomes a weapon of mass disruption. It's like a power struggle for world dominance, except the only world we're conquering is the living room. If only there were United Nations for remote control diplomacy!

Bedtime Battle

Going to bed is a nightly Olympic event in our household. My wife has this elaborate bedtime routine – it's like she's prepping for a mission to Mars. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out if I should wear socks or not. It's a struggle, folks, a real struggle.

The Laundry Chronicles

My wife and I have this ongoing conflict – it's called the 'Laundry Chronicles.' She says there's a right way to fold clothes, and apparently, I've been doing it wrong for the past decade. I didn't realize we needed a degree in origami to keep our socks happy.

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