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Fashion has taken a weird turn with this "glow in the dark" trend. You've got shoes that light up when you walk, like you're on a mission to guide lost souls in the afterlife. I bought a pair, thinking I'd be the coolest person at the party, but I ended up looking like a walking disco ball. And then there's glow-in-the-dark clothing. I mean, who needs their shirt to glow? Are we trying to attract fireflies? I tried wearing a glow-in-the-dark shirt to a nightclub once, thinking I'd stand out. Instead, people thought I was an emergency exit sign.
I even saw "glow in the dark" makeup at a beauty store. Ladies, do you really want your face to shine like a neon sign at night? I can't imagine going on a date and accidentally blinding my partner with my radiant glow. "Sorry, didn't mean to blind you with my highlighter; it's just my natural glow."
I heard there's even "glow in the dark" underwear now. I don't know about you, but the last thing I want is my nether regions putting on a light show without my consent. I can see the conversation now: "Honey, is it me, or is your underwear glowing?" Awkward.
So, fashion industry, let's stick to fabrics and designs that don't turn us into human nightlights. I don't want my wardrobe competing with the Las Vegas Strip.
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Remember when a nightlight was a small, subtle thing you plugged into the wall to comfort a child afraid of the dark? Well, now we've turned nightlights into these glowing monstrosities that turn your bedroom into a scene from a sci-fi horror film. I recently stayed at a friend's house, and they had a nightlight that projected stars all over the ceiling. It was like sleeping in a planetarium, minus the educational value. I'm lying there, trying to get some shut-eye, and it feels like I'm camping under the galaxy. I half expected Neil deGrasse Tyson to pop out of the closet and start giving me an astronomy lesson.
And then there are those adults who still use character-themed nightlights. I went to a grown man's apartment, and he had a SpongeBob SquarePants nightlight. I was waiting for him to pull out a sippy cup and start watching cartoons. Dude, you're not 5 years old; let SpongeBob have a break.
I tried a "glow in the dark" sleep mask once. The idea was that it would gently illuminate when you opened your eyes in the dark. Turns out, it's more like having headlights strapped to your face. I woke up thinking I was about to get run over by a truck.
So, let's bring back the simple nightlight, the one that just says, "Hey, it's dark, but you're safe." Not the one that turns your bedroom into a celestial nightmare.
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You ever notice how everything nowadays has to "glow in the dark"? I mean, what happened to the good old days when the dark was just, you know, dark? Now, it's like we can't function unless everything is lit up like a Christmas tree. I got this "glow in the dark" alarm clock recently. Yeah, because apparently, waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of an annoying beep just wasn't enough. Now, it's an annoying beep and a pulsating green light that could guide a spaceship to safety. I don't need my bedroom looking like a rave at 3 AM. I just need to know it's time to get up and face the day, not that I'm about to be abducted by aliens.
And have you seen those "glow in the dark" stickers they put on light switches? Like, who's struggling to find the light switch in the dark? If you can't find a light switch, you probably shouldn't be operating in the dark at all. I feel like we're treating adults like toddlers with these things.
I tried "glow in the dark" nail polish once. You know, just to spice things up. But it turns out, it's not as romantic as it sounds. You're sitting there, holding hands in the dark, and suddenly your fingers are glowing like you just dipped them in toxic waste. It's like, "Honey, we're not on a sci-fi movie set; we're trying to be cute here!"
So, yeah, "glow in the dark" – because apparently, regular dark just isn't cutting it anymore.
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Let's talk about those people who think their whole house needs to be a beacon in the night. You know the type – you can spot their house from space because it looks like an alien landing pad. I call them the "Lighthouse Lovers." They've got solar-powered garden lights that make their front yard look like a runway for miniature airplanes. You can't even tell if it's daytime or if they're just having an impromptu outdoor disco party. And don't get me started on those motion-activated floodlights. I swear, every time I walk past one, it's like I'm auditioning for a blockbuster action movie. I'm just trying to get to my car; I don't need a spotlight and a dramatic soundtrack.
And have you seen those driveways with the "glow in the dark" stones? Yeah, because nothing says class like having your driveway light up like a runway for extraterrestrial visitors. It's like they're saying, "Welcome to my humble abode, ET."
I went to a friend's house the other day, and they had a "glow in the dark" doormat. I mean, seriously? I thought doormats were there to wipe your feet, not to guide you to the front door like you're navigating a maze. I had to tip-toe to avoid stepping on their glowing welcome message. I felt like a burglar trying not to set off an alarm.
So, to all the "Lighthouse Lovers" out there, calm down with the lights. You're not directing air traffic; it's just your front yard.
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